


"Sailor Trigger" [MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Chrono Trigger, Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 23:19:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10559392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: Crossovers are a very mixed breed of fanfic that usually work incredibly well, or fall completely flat. This crossover, of Sailor Moon and Chrono Trigger, seems to fall in the latter category. In starring roles: currency exchangin', Serena boomerangin', and the author with his friends as "The Red Dragons", who can stop rampaging Maguses and Sailor Jupiters in their tracks!





	1. Chapter 1

Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 105, reel 1:

"Sailor Trigger"  
(A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger self-insertion crossover)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison

==  
Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property  
of and (c) 2017 by Best Brains, Inc. Sailor Moon is the property  
of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of her work. Chrono  
Trigger is the property of Square Co., and all the distributors of  
their work.

"Sailor Trigger" is the property of Sailor Koban and used with his  
permission. This is intended as a parody, hopefully not to be taken  
offensively. Hopefully, enough C&C shall be gleaned from these riffs  
to actually make this a worthwhile product.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their  
respective owners and creators.  
==

\---Satellite of Love

"But this is so unfair, Joel! One bad hand and both Crow and I are  
out!" Tom Servo protested. The cards that he held in one of his  
spring-arms were falling out all over the place, some even hitting the  
desk.

Joel snickered. Instead of his usual jumpsuit, he was wearing a pair  
of boxer shorts and a teeshirt. "Don't blame me, I didn't make these  
rules up. It's just the way the game is played. Besides, Crow usually  
ends up hiding aces in his net anyway..."

"Okay folks, ante up... oh, the robots seem to be unable to. Anyway,  
I'll bet... this ring!" Mike Nelson still had his jumpsuit on, and on  
his hands were four or five large rings, with a pile of ten rings next  
to him.

The red light started flashing... "Aww man, always when we're playing  
strip poker!" Joel complained as he hit the light.

\---Deep Thirteen

"Hey guys, I'll take one card." Frank was standing in Deep Thirteen,  
holding four cards, and he had nothing but a towel on. "C'mon, I need  
a five! Five, please!"

"Frank, what are you doing?" Dr. Clayton Forrester interrupted. He  
was carrying an old Hellman's Mayonnaise jar that had two holes punched  
in the top. "How many times do I have to tell you, I don't *want* to  
watch you playing strip poker?"

"But Steve, look! I beat Crow and Tom! They're both naked!"

Dr. Forrester shuddered. "More of Crow than I ever wanted to see.  
I'll give you a chance to get your clothes back on, Joel, because I  
have the invention that will knock your socks off!"

 

Joel hurriedly left offstage and came back a second later, wearing  
his trademark red jumpsuit.

"Whatcha got today, sirs?"

 

"I'm sure you've heard about all the problems with oil lately. OPEC  
nations have been raising prices again, dopey presidents are willing to  
carve up large proportions of woods and wetlands to find more... why  
waste time with the middleman? We have an invention today that will  
help mainly ME on my morning commutes to Deep Thirteen. I unveil...  
the Detroit Oil-Worm." Dr. F showed his jar to the screen, where a  
little worm was resting around a puddle of vaguely orangish liquid.

"This little guy can burrow as far as needed to ANY source of  
gasoline! Then it'll suck up the gas and return to the owner to fill  
the owner's tank. It's the latest thing in people too cheap to make it  
to a gas station and too sick to siphon off more gasoline! And not  
only that... after a few days of use, the Oil-Worm burrows straight  
down to Deep Thirteen with the latest amount of gas, so that I can  
blackmail the world and sell my own 'Dr. Forrester' brand of gas!  
Fifteen bucks a gallon, any takers?"

 

"How does it get out of that little hole it burrows if it drinks  
gas, Dr. F?" Mike asked.

 

"How, you say? It gets LONGER, not wider! It'll stretch out to  
the size of your average extended-cab F150 Ford truck!" Dr. F chuckled.

 

Joel muttered, "But without the side-mounted gas tanks, I hope..."

"What if someone catches the Oil-Worm, Dr. F?" Tom asked.

 

"Well, to discourage pursuit by the generous donor, the Oil-Worm  
will spray sugar in his gas tank, so that the owner can get away  
scot-free!" Dr. F shook the mayonnaise jar. "You're my little darling  
money-maker, yes you are!" Turning his attention back to the satellite  
he said, "Okay, Benatars... hit me with your best shot!"

 

Mike and Joel shook their heads and Tom said, "Man... the lengths  
some people will go to for trying to rule the planet... anyway sirs,  
our invention is for all those subway-riders and elevator-rats who just  
don't like to brush their teeth in the morning!"

"Have you ever been next to someone who, when they laughed, made you  
think you just ran over a skunk? Yes, I have," Joel started. "Many  
times, whether it's the person next to you on the plane, or the  
itinerant doorman who's more at home at the *back* door, you'd wish  
these people would use mouth protection. And brushing your teeth after  
EVERY meal takes too much time. So our invention for today... Crow,  
will you do the honors?"

Crow showed a can marked "Deodorant" to the camera. "We've invented  
roll-on mouth deodorant! This stuff is long-lasting, leaves behind the  
great smell of cinnamon or mint, and I guarantee people will be looking  
and smelling at your mouth in a whole new way!"

"And, for those who REALLY want long-lasting protection," Mike  
started, "we've also created... roll-on mouth antiperspirant! Also  
good for bars where you want to appear smooth but leave a puddle of  
drool with every woman you see." Mike put another can on the desk in  
front of Cambot. "Howzabout them apples, sirs?"

 

"Them apples?" Dr. Forrester spluttered. "Well, boys, your fanfic  
today won't be a piece of pie, no no no. For you, I'll be sure to send  
my rottenest! FRANK!"

"Yes, boss? Oops, dropped my towel, just a second..."

"Uuuhhhhh.... There were some things man was never meant to see," Dr.  
F shuddered. "Maybe if I grab a blindfold... Frank, when you get back,  
give them 'Sailor Trigger'. This one, lab rats, is a crossover  
between an anime and a game series... and the author couldn't resist  
inserting himself and a few close friends to boot. They asked for  
suffering, and we shall deliver!"

 

"How about 'Fresh Mouth'?" Crow asked.

"I still say 'Tongue Teasers'!" Tom replied.

Then the lights started flashing and the satellite shook. "Later  
guys, we have FIC SIGN!" Mike yelled.

 

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
bottom)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you  
inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the fourth  
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that was Joel, and  
Crow sat in the far right seat.)

 

>koban.tnk@prostar.com (Sailor Koban TNK)

Tom: Coming soon to your lunch bowl... chicken and prostars!  
Crow: Hey look, Sailor Koban is an arcade game! He's produced by TNK!  
Mike: No, you're thinking of SNK.  
Crow: Oh... heh.

 

>Sailor Trigger

Joel: Y'know, the Senshi that was on the grassy knoll.  
Crow: And here I thought it was the Senshi that Roy Rogers rode.

 

>Part 1-A wrong turn

Joel: This part sponsored by the United States Selective Service Board

 

>A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger crossover fanfic by Sailor Koban  
>TNK(Koban.tnk@prostar.com)

Crow: As inferred by the email address above.  
Tom: You can't be too careful who's sending Sailor Moon and Chrono  
Trigger crossovers nowadays.  
Joel: Prostar.com? Didn't Wayne Gretsky endorse their cereal?

 

>With help from KnightShade(debracras@tislink.net) and Suky  
>(odonnell@wvi.com).

Mike: If only a little nightshade could've helped.  
Tom: Aye lad, 'tis a fine link yo've got thar...

 

>Legal notes:

Mike: ...are those that are over the age of sixteen and consent to be  
sung.  
Tom: Wouldn't want to be thrown in jail for staffatory rape, would'je?  
Crow: But officer! She was wearing a G-string! And it looked so sharp  
on her!

 

>Chrono Trigger, and all characters derived from it are the property of  
>Square co., and are used without permission.

Joel: And then tossed aside like so much chattel.  
Mike: Guess they were given the permission slip.  
Crow: Derived? When did this become a calculus textbook?

 

>Sailor moon, and all characters derived from it are the property of  
>Naoko Takeuchi, and are also used without permission.

Mike: When was the last time a fanficcer actually received permission  
for these works?  
Joel: You mean you haven't seen those racks upon racks of Star Trek,  
X-Men, Spiderman, and Fantastic Four books, ad nauseum, *and*  
crossovers of the same back at home? You know, the ones the fanboys  
read to pretend they actually have literature in their hands?  
Mike: The things I miss while I'm up here.

 

>Red Dragons, and all characters derived from it are the property of  
>the author, and are used with permission.

Tom: [Author] "It was a long and drawn-out negotiation measure. I  
mean, I couldn't use my characters if I *DIDN'T* have permission from  
myself, could I?  
Crow: [Author] "And I wasn't going to give them up for any less than  
50% of gross and a Sailor Venus plushie, but the author himself made a  
personal plea. I couldn't help but relent!"

 

>Story notes:

Crow: [Author] "A-sharp and F."  
Joel: It's a little something we like to call funky fourths.  
Mike: That wall of sound's really damaged you over the years, hasn't  
it?

 

>This story takes place on the world described in Chrono Trigger.

Tom: If you're unfamiliar with this world, just think water and grass  
and air, and you'll be okay.  
Crow: Why, it's the perfect breeding ground for Bert I. Gordon and his  
stable of free-range forced-perspective lizards!

 

>For those familiar with the game, the land is similar to that shown in  
>1999 AD.

Joel: Another idea is to actually *start* the story, and describe  
setting to us in rich and vivid detail...  
Crow: Too tough. The author wants to get directly to the plot!  
Joel: That means that it won't have any holes in it, and reading the  
setting like this will actually be worth it?  
Mike: Uhh... sure. Right.

 

>For the senshi, this story takes place sometime between "Treed"  
>and "Serena times two" in the Sailor Moon R series.

Crow & Tom (dully): Yay. More Chibi-Usa. Whoopie.

 

>If any characters seem to be out of character, it is entirely my fault  
>for not knowing quite enough about them.

Joel: Like Makoto's measurements, Mamoru's turn-ons, and whether or not  
Umino wears boxers or briefs?  
Tom: I pray that only one of those ever comes up.  
Crow: So if any characters are *in character*, it's merely a  
coincidence?

 

>Lita's height is estimated. If you know her actual height, please  
>EMail me with it.

Mike: We brought in an independent estimator for Lita's height! Ladies  
and gentlemen, all the way from Washington, DC... Alan Greenspan!  
Tom: [Greenspan] "Raise rates by another quarter point."  
Mike: Uhh... yay! Let's give him a hand!  
Crow: I'd try a calculator first.

 

>\----

Joel: Schwinn Was Here.

 

>The year was 1999,

Crow: (deeply) The place... England.  
Tom: The parties were plentiful.  
Mike: The paranoia moreso.

 

>and preparations were already being made for the celebration that was  
>to take place in a year: 

Joel: The Columbus Day Sale at Menard's?

 

>the second Millennial Fair. 

Joel: Ohhh.  
Tom: But the next millennium doesn't begin until 2001! They're  
celebrating it too early!  
Crow: Oh, you academic spoilsports always ruin our fun.  
Tom: Fine. If you want to stay stupid, be my guest!  
Crow: I prefer "innocent".

 

>Not since the year 999 had the world seen such excitement.

Mike: Y'know, when the MacCauliny cow was calfing, and that new lord  
down Wales way absolutely refused to beat his serfs on *every*  
Tuesday.

 

>\----

Tom: Sure, take your half out of the middle.  
Joel: Eww, could someone zip up the fanfic's fly please?

 

>"Damned machine! Hurry up and load!"

Joel: [character] "You stupid AK-47! You said that you were a semi-  
automatic weapon!"  
Crow: It's been FIVE minutes already! Trading in my IBM for a Commodore 64... what was I thinking?!?

 

>In a large house in New Guardia, a strange man with a cat-like head,  
>and covered with tabby fur was sitting in front of his computer  
>terminal, 

Mike: ...the first victim of too much cathode ray radiation.  
Crow: So THAT'S what happened to Morris!  
Tom: Now if that could only happen to Baxter.

 

>loading a document from the world wide web.

Tom: [catman] "Ooh, all Persian and all fluffy! I can't remember  
what life was like before jpegs!"  
Crow: [catman] "That Cleo the Cat... mrowww!"  
Joel: Gee, you'd think a catman would be more infatuated with  
the mouse....

 

>His name was Koban Hiryu'son, and he was known the world over as  
>Koban the Ninja Kat, 

Tom: Koban the Ninja huh? Well, I guess it beats Kwang.  
Joel: ...a highly dangerous member of the underground "Kit Kats".  
Crow: Or, as he was more commonly called, "Hey fuzzy!"

 

>one of the five members of the superhero team known as the Red  
>Dragons. 

Mike: I would've assumed that cats wouldn't be allowed into a  
dragons' club...  
Tom: The membership rules are much more lax nowadays.  
Joel: Maybe it's sorta like the Banana Splits... blatant false  
advertising.  
(All nod in agreement.)

 

>They had a small team, but that was the way they preferred it.  
>Like their leader, Billy Doyle, said, "You know your team is too  
>big if you can't count all of its members on 1 hand." 

Crow: And already they're showing cruelty to the catman.  
Mike: For that matter... how was he able to type on a computer  
with paws and claws?  
Tom: Maybe his ninja training included a workshop on Macs?

 

>The team consisted of Billy, aka KnightShade; 

Tom [Koban]: "Don't try to be a hero, man!"  
Mike [Billy]: "Hey Koban, I want to be a evil paladin!"  
Crow [Koban]: "You know that's impossible!"  
Mike [Billy]: "Come ON, man. I gave you those back-issues of X-Men,  
work with me!"

 

>Akira Ishido, Billy's girlfriend and a very skilled Ninja with  
>powerful telekinetic abilities;

Tom: Speaking of back-issues of X-Men...  
Joel: [Akira] "Hey Billy! I know what you're thinking, and stop it!"  
Mike: [Koban] "I said 'telekinetic', not telepathic!"  
Joel: [Akira] "Well, what you don't know... could fill entire  
encyclopaedias!"  
Crow: Zing!

 

>Koban; Sandra Anderson, aka SandStorm; and Erick Blackwell, or  
>BlackJack, who hailed from the year 2057. 

Mike: ...and travelled the world as a surgeon, helped by his little  
assistant?  
Crow: [Erick] $100 for fifty-eight years?!? Damn cabbie ripped me off!  
Tom: So doesn't poor Akira get a cool-sounding compound word code name?  
Joel: (dramatic voice) And she was known only as... The Swallow.

 

>Koban was looking up a document from 1000 AD describing the events of  
>the future. 

Joel: The *easier* way would be to ask your man from 2057, Koban.  
Tom: Only problem is that the document was authenticated by the Weekly  
World News.  
Crow: Wow, that Gutenberg project really went into overtime getting all  
those old documents on the 'Net.  
Mike: [Koban] "Hmmm... 'Nixon will return'... what could this mean?"

 

>What he found shocked him worse than anything he had ever experienced.

Mike: [Koban] "Dammit! It gave me the 'I Love You' virus!"  
Tom: [Koban] "GAHHHH!!! Those damn !@@$!# kids and their joy buzzers!"

 

>He ran to the training room, where Billy and Akira were practicing  
>combat moves on each other.

Crow: At least they were when Koban ran in.  
Joel: [Billy, dubbed voice] "You DARE strike at my groin?!? You insult  
me greatly! Now you must DIE!"  
Tom: Hey kids! Be like Billy! Protect your crotch!

 

>"Hey, guys!" Koban yelled as he entered the room. "You have to see  
>this!" Five minutes later, everyone was looking at the computer  
>screen as Koban pulled up the document.

Mike: [Koban] "See, Billy? I *told* you that the 'give your cat a  
colonic' email was just a hoax! Not a recommendation!"

 

>"You see, in this document from 1000 AD, someone named Crono says  
>that sometime this year, a being named Lavos is going to emerge from the  
>earth and destroy everything. 

Joel: [Billy] "Legos are the key to the Armageddon? Darn those Danish  
and their multi-colored bricks!!"  
Tom: [Koban] "Not 'legos', stout William. LAVOS."  
Mike: [Akira] "Dolt."

 

>And another document written in 600 AD by a person named Glenn says  
>so too. And in 12,000 BC, a man named Magus wrote the exact same  
>thing, saying that he almost caused Lavos to reappear in 600 AD. 

Mike: [Billy] "Koban, get with the program. That old man two doors  
down says the exact same thing day and night."  
Crow: And the truth of who that kooky geriatric down the street is  
realized.

 

>And in 12,000 BC, the mysterious Queen Zeal tried to reawaken Lavos. 

Joel: [Zeal] "Lavos dear, it's time for school! Wakey wakey!"  
Tom: [Koban, reading] "It says here that she used everything from alarm  
clocks to roosters and even Big Ben, but to no avail."  
Crow: Maybe she should've flipped the lights on and off quickly.  
Mike: Meanwhile, in 1999, the plot continues to be stuck in a holding  
pattern....

 

>Now, all of these documents say that Lavos crashed into earth in 65  
>Million BC, 

Mike: Flown by Launchpad McQuack.  
Tom: Funny, I would've guessed Don Carnage.  
Crow: Sixty-five million and some change years later, stock footage of  
the crash would be used in 'One Million B.C.' and numerous Roger  
Corman films....

 

>but, since there are no written records from that period, that can't  
>be substantiated. 

Joel: That didn't dissuade our comprehension of the language of twelve-  
thousand B.C., did it?  
Tom [Koban]: "Luckily, I have enlisted the aid of a character witness."  
Crow: Strom Thurmond?  
Mike: Naah, Mel Brooks.

 

>However, pieces of rock from that era have depictions of a strange  
>comet-creature crashing into the earth. 

Mike: And The Little Prince was never seen or heard from again.

 

>They also have pictures that appear to be portraits of the people who  
>wrote the other documents coming to try and stop it."

Joel: (singing) "Dum da dum dum..."  
Mike: (voiceover) "Memorize THIS FACE. This is a renegade from the  
year sixty-five million BC. He is wanted on three counts of avoiding  
the inevitable."  
Tom: (voiceover) "And memorize THIS FACE. This is another renegade  
from the same time period. Both are thought to be armed and  
dangerous... their rigor mortis and stench can be deadly."  
Crow: [Koban] "And here is the age-enhanced pictures that they  
included... oh, eww. I didn't know worms could get in THERE!"  
Tom: Take us home, Joe Friday.  
Joel: (singing) "Dum da dum dum DUM!"

 

>\----

Crow: Watch out! This fic's wired!  
Tom: Duck! It's gonna blow!

 

>The Senshi felt separated from their bodies, as if their minds were  
>being drawn to another place, another time. 

Mike: Yep, Long Island Ice Tea will do that to ya....  
Crow: Uh-oh, the Great Gazoo is playing with reality again...  
Joel: Luckly, rumors of a half-off sale at the Osa-P snapped them back  
to the present.

 

>It felt like their energy was being drained... and returned. 

Mike: The Negaverse kept the receipt.  
Tom: [Rei] "What, is our energy not GOOD enough for you? Huh?"  
Crow: They shoulda hadda V-8.

 

>One moment ago, they had been watching the Doom Tree flying away  
>through space, carrying Ann and Alan to who knew where, and the next,  
>they were lying on the ground in front of what appeared to be a large  
>plastic dome. 

Crow: (voiceover) "Sailor Moon, you just defeated the monsters and  
saved the world again! Where will YOU go?"  
Mike [Usagi]: "Epcot Center?"  
Joel: Snowglobe... OF THE GODS!!

 

>Lita stood up, and after looking around, said,

Joel: [Lita] "Ouch."

 

>"Where the hell are we?"

Mike: You're the hell here.  
Tom: Never gets old, does it?

 

>Ami looked at a sign near the dome and said, 

Crow [Ami]: "I didn't know pandas knew how to write."  
Mike: [Genma] "Growf."  
Tom [Ami]: "Twelve bucks for PARKING?!? What a rip off!!"

 

>"I'm not sure, but I think this sign says 'New Guardia'"

Joel [Ami]: "Or heck, it could be saying 'Newport News'. I'm just  
making half-assed guesses."  
Tom: [Serena] "Hey, that's my job!"

 

>"I think we should go in," said Rei, brushing the dirt out of her  
>Kimono. Rei paused. "Wait a minute... what are we doing in our regular  
>clothes?"

Crow: [Mina] "'Cause the nurse's outfits are for the next lemon?"  
Tom: [Lita] "And we don't wear hardsuits?"  
Mike: She's just been transported to another Realm, and she's talking  
*fashion?*

 

>"What happened?" Serena asked as she stood up, spitting dirt and grass  
>out of her mouth. She had landed face down.

Mike: It wouldn't be Sailor Moon if Serena wasn't face-first on the  
ground.  
Joel: You have a Rei up and a Serena down. Would you like to hit or  
stay?  
Crow: I'll double down, if you please.

 

>"I think we took a wrong turn from where the Doom Tree was and landed  
>here," said Mina, 

Mike: Serena never does take that left turn at Albuquerque.  
Tom: As opposed to "Usagi"?  
Mike: Just goin' by the fic.

 

>who was rubbing the sore spot on her butt where she had landed.

Joel: [Mina] "I crushed all my cigarettes! Now where'll I get my  
Virginia Slims?"  
Crow: Neosporin's got some pretty darned good exposure...  
Tom: Not to mention Mina.

 

>"Why am I always the last one to catch on?" Serena started to whine.  
>"Be quiet, Serena," said Rei. "Let's go in there and find out where we  
>are."

Mike: [Serena] "What are we going to find out in a bush?"  
Joel: Serena never carps and moans, or wails in a distressed manner,  
but she always does whine.  
Tom: She's a connoisseur.

 

>"Great, but how do we get in?" Said Lita, noticing that the plastic  
>dome had no apparent breaks.

Tom: That really puts the brakes on their plan, doesn't it?  
Crow: Well, dem's de breaks.  
Tom: Maybe Lita should break off a bit of Supreme Thunder.  
Joel: We could always break this whole line of thought.  
Mike: [Lita] "Now what would Puma Man do?"

 

>Ami pulled out her pocket computer and tapped some of the keys, and a  
>door opened in the dome. 

Mike [Ami]: "Hey, what can I say? It doubles as a garage door opener."  
Tom [Ami]: "Thank god Penny lent me her computer, this book can do  
EVERYTHING!"  
Crow [Ami]: "Huh. All I did was open 'Minesweeper'..."

 

>Cautiously, the five Senshi entered the dome.

Joel: Then, out of the woodwork, a bunch of rabid ticket-takers  
attacked!  
Mike: [ticket-taker] "May I PUNCH that, please? How about a stamp?!"

 

>They were surprised to see that, despite the apparently high level of  
>technology, the people were wearing clothing that looked like it came  
>from pre-renaissance Europe. 

Crow: [Serena] "I wonder if Tuxy would look good in those ruffles and  
hose too..."  
Joel: [Darien] "Huzzah, fair wenches! A boon for each of you!"  
Tom: [Rei] "If this is supposed to be Crystal Tokyo, will someone  
please kill me between now and the next millennium?"

 

>Some of the people were giving them strange looks.

Crow: [Lita] "The glances and stares I can deal with... but those  
LOOKS! AAAAHHH!!"  
Joel: I wouldn't blame them. Other than Rei, we haven't the slightest  
what the rest of the senshi are wearing.  
Mike: If only clown suits weren't declared "normal".

 

>It wasn't surprising, considering the way they were all dressed in  
>their sailor fukus, except for Rei, who was wearing her temple kimono.

Joel: [Serena] "It's not as it seems, people... uhh... we're members of  
a cult! Yeah, that's it!"  
Crow: [Rei] "Could anybody spare some kool-aid? A free coupon from Dr.  
Kevorkian perhaps?"  
Tom: [Ami] "Yeah, we represent the frigging lollypop guild, OKAY!?"  
Crow: [Rei] "Calm yourself, sacrifice!!"

 

>Thier haircuts were strange, also: Serena, with her long, blond  
>meatball-styled pigtails; 

Mike: For some reason, I'm hungry for a Manwich.

 

>Ami, with her short, light-blue hair; Lita, with her brown ponytail;  
>Rei, with her waist-length, black-with-purple-highlights straight  
>hair; and Mina, with her light blond hair, which was cut similar  
>to Serena's, except it was worn down.

Crow: One-Adam-twelve, one-Adam-twelve, we have a fashion  
disturbance... over.  
Tom: [stranger] "Hey, I recognize you guys! You're Jem and the  
Holograms! You've come back!!"  
Crow: [stranger] "Oh wow! Could you sing us a little 'She's Got the  
Power', please? Pretty please!"  
Mike: [Serena] "But I'm not... oh, what the hell. Showtime, Luna!"

 

>"I don't like the way they are looking at us," said Mina.

Joel: ...as we established a paragraph ago.  
Tom: [Mina] "I mean, what kind of human has eye stalks? Eww!  
Crow: [Rei] "And what about those four eyelids?"

 

>"Hey, there's a tailor's shop right over there," said Lita. "Let's get  
>something a little more like what everyone else is wearing."

Joel: Lita finds sometimes that she gets what she needs.  
Tom: Wouldn't a shopping mall be faster? Not to mention cheaper?  
Mike: [Lita] "Granted, we haven't any of their money, and I'm really not  
even sure that it IS a tailor shop, but damn it, IT'S A PLAN!!"

 

>The senshi walked into the tailor shop and started looking around,  
>trying outfits on, and comparing different styles.

Crow: Let me guess, they're going to the Peach Pit to meet Brenda  
and Dylan afterwards?

 

>The tailor looked at Mina and said, 

Joel: [tailor] "Ooh, sailor... come to my port, and I'll shows you how  
I weighs me anchor."  
Crow: [Mina] "Aww man, not again. Hey Lita! Doesn't he look like your  
old sempai?"  
Mike: [Lita] "Now that you mention it, he does. And my sempai's been  
long overdue to get his ASS KICKED!!"  
Tom: (imitates cracking knuckles)  
Joel: [tailor] "Eep!"

 

>"Say, where are you young ladies from?"  
>"Um," Mina said while deciding whether or not the truth would be taken  
>well, "Tokyo."

Crow: [tailor] "Tokyo? We were just through there on our world tour!"  
Tom: [Mina] "Huh?"  
Crow: [tailor] "I'm with Aerosmith! Y'know, the lead singer?"  
Mike: Nice try guys. It's Steven *Tyler*, not Steven Tailor.  
Crow: Oh.

 

>"Tokyo, eh? I'll bet that it's a beautiful place."

Mike: [Ami] "Well, it was until Suzaku and Seiryu tore into it... that  
blockheaded Miaka!"  
Tom: Good grief!

 

>Mina froze in here tracks. "How do you know?"

Tom: [tailor] "Because... *takes a deep breath*... I AM THE MASTER OF  
ALL DIMENSIONS, THE ONE WHO BROUGHT YOU HERE, AND THE ONE  
YOU'LL SERVE UNTIL THE END OF ALL YOUR DAYS! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
Joel: [Mina] "Victor? But I thought you retired from 'Days of our  
Lives'!"  
Crow: Here, Tracks! Here, Tracks! Good puppy!

 

>"Well, if the people that live there are any indication..."

Mike: [Mina] "Should we show you Melvin then?"  
Joel: This has been another episode of "Failed Pickup Lines", with  
special guest star Steven Tyler! Tune in next week, when our  
host will be none other than John Katzenberger."

 

>The senshi had each picked out a few outfits and took them up to the  
>Tailor.

Tom [Serena]: "Do you have this in a size seven?"  
Crow [tailor]: "I hope you're aware that this is a Men's Wearhouse."  
Tom [Serena]: "Are you sure?"  
Crow [tailor]: "I guarantee it."

 

>"We'll take these," Said Lita, suprising the tailor with her imposing,  
>5'8" prescence.

Mike: She scared the R right out of him!  
Crow: Why, the top of her head isn't quite as low as all the other  
girls! Amazing!  
Joel: Sign that woman to the WNBA!

 

>"Let me take your measurements," Said the tailor. 

Mike: ...chuckling the whole time.  
Tom: [Lita] "Hey!? HEY!! Watch your hands, pal!"

 

>Instead of getting a tape measure, the tailor just pressed a button  
>on his belt, and a laser beam moved across the room, 

Tom: [laser beam] "One way, one way... excuse me, miss... step aside,  
please..."  
Joel: [Lita] "Do you expect us to TALK?!"  
Crow: [tailor] "No, Miss Senshi, I expect you to DIE!"

 

>taking the senshi's measurements instantly and printing them out on a  
>piece of paper on his sewing desk. 

Tom: See, Mike, it IS Steven Tyler!  
Mike: Huh?  
Tom: Look there... that sewing machine on the desk. It's a Singer!  
Mike: Sheesh...

 

>"Okay, I'll have these outfits ready in half an hour. 

Joel [tailor]: "It usually takes that long to fire up the replicator  
and get anything else out than tea, Earl Grey, hot."  
Mike [tailor]: "The starter's gettin' worn, the o'lpan needs replacin',  
and sometimes I have to choke the crap outta it for that dadburned  
repleecator to start!"

 

>This style of outfit is very popular. Now that the Millennium Fair is  
>coming up, people are getting into styles like what they wore during  
>the last Fair."

Crow: [Joan Rivers] "Ooh, that burlap makes such a statement! It  
screams, 'I'm a serf! Whip me!'"  
Tom: [Melissa Rivers] "And look, it comes with accessories! Fleas,  
scabies, flies, gnats, and ticks! Perfect for those summer months!"

 

>"Okay. Do you know of any places we might enjoy going to?"

Joel: As opposed to places they might enjoy being at?  
Tom: [tailor] "I could give you a tour of my back room, heh heh..."  
Crow: [tailor] "Well, I host this great little comedy club on  
weekends... if you visit us, I promise to keep you in stitches! Heh  
heh... ow!

 

>"Well, the Coronation ceremony for the new queen is going to be held  
>in about an hour.

Mike: CrownCrafters! Coronations... in about an hour!  
Tom: New Queen... hmm. You don't suppose that this guy is Roger  
Taylor, do you?

 

>You know, now that I think about it, the new queen's name is nearly  
>the same as the name of the queen from 1400 years ago.

Joel: Come to think of it, they're ALL called "Her Majesty".

 

>What was the old Queen's name... Oh, yes, Leene. The new Queen's name  
>is Renee. 

Tom: They said "Renee", right? Rih-nay?  
Joel: Yeah, why?  
Tom: Just making sure they're not pronouncing it Ree-nee.  
Crow: Gah!

 

>You know, 1000 AD was an interesting year for another reason,  
>other than the Fair."

Tom: [Rei] "Umm, sure, when did the subject get to 1000 AD when  
fourteen hundred years ago was six hundred AD?"  
Mike: Wow, that was close. It's a good thing we ran into the Backstory  
Tailor, or else we wouldn't have a clue what's going on!

 

>"Oh? Why?"

Joel: Well, oy to you too!  
Tom: Oy mates! Let's 'ave anuvver one!  
Crow: People were burying their livestock and building mud shelters in  
preperation for the Y1K virus....

 

>"Because 3 of the greatest heroes the world has ever known came into  
>the spotlight. 

Crow: [Lita] "Oh wow... they had spotlights back then?"  
Tom: I knew Larry, Curly, and Moe had a long career, but I didn't know  
it spanned *centuries*!  
Mike: Coitainly!

 

>Crono, Marle, and Lucca were their names. You can see a  
>statue of them in the middle of town. 

Mike [Serena]: And here I thought it was a pigeon-catcher!  
Joel: Their city must've had more than two thousand residents.

 

>Who shall I say this order is for?"  
>"Serena."

Crow [tailor]: "Now, will that be paper or plastic?"  
Tom [Serena]: "Aww, but I wanted to wear satin!"  
Crow [tailor]: "No, I meant will that be credit or cash!"  
Tom [Serena]: "But green doesn't go well with my complexion!"

 

>"Okay. I'll send for you as soon as these outfits are done."

Crow: [tailor] "And if I don't get you in less than thirty minutes,  
the pizza's free!"  
Mike: For the sacred rite of every tailor... the first fitting!  
Tom: [tailor] "Did I ever tell you girls I was trained at Frederick's  
of Hollywood? Heh heh..."

 

>\----

Crow: Yeah, the fic's stopped up! No, we DON'T have any Drano! What,  
you're going to send a plunger?  
Mike: Kiki's logged a lot of miles on that scene change.  
Tom: [Ben Throttle] "When I'm on the road... I'm indestructible... no one  
can stop me....

 

>With a flash of light, the Epoch appeared from out of the stream of  
>time and landed with a dull crunch on the ground. 

Joel: Gotta watch out for deer in the time streams. They just jump  
out in front of everything!  
Tom: [Sailor Pluto] "Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting deew. Ha-ha-  
ha-ha!"  
Crow: [Epoch] "AUUUGH!!! MY ANKLE!!! MEDIC!! MEDIC!!"

 

>Magus jumped out, expecting Lavos to be there. 

Crow: Oh, so they hit a Magus.  
Tom: I hear the meat's incredibly gamy.  
Mike: [Magus, singing] "Jump out the line, rock your body in time..."

 

>The other 6 people in the Epoch also jumped out.

Tom: I heard that model Epoch had a recall... it seems that they  
installed the wrong safety equipment.  
Joel: Faulty air-bags?  
Tom: Nope, ejection seats.

 

>"What the hell?" said Magus. "Did we get the year wrong?"  
>"No," Said Lucca, checking the Time Gauge on the Epoch's control  
>panel. It says right here "April 1, 1999."

Mike: Oh, the irony.  
Tom [Magus] "That damn flux capacitor! It always flashes back to  
the year 1885!"  
Crow: Hey, don't blame your poor DeLorean, buddy...

 

>"*April* 1999?" Asked Marle. "I thought Lavos appeared in the middle  
>of July."

Joel: First Marller, now Marle... I'm sensing a pattern here.  
Tom: Gives you folks ample time to train and prepare, doesn't it?

 

>Lucca wiped the lenses of her glasses and checked again. "No, it's  
>right. Hey Robo!" The golden Robot from the Year 2300 AD lumbered  
>over to the Epoch. 

Crow: HEY! I do not LUMBER, I float gracefully on my beautifully  
slender legs!  
Mike: Wrong gold robot, Crow T. Persecution.  
Tom: Yet another fic that just wants to give robots a bad name!

 

>"Check to see if the Epoch's time gauge is damaged."

Mike: Use a hammer, if possible.  
Joel: [Robo] "It says that it was recently used by one Biff Tannen."

 

>Robo hooked up his arm to the Epoch's service panel. After a minutes  
>of whirrs, clicks and beeps, Robo disconnected from the Epoch.

Tom: [Robo] "*Click* Thirteen point five-two-seven gallons of petrol...  
total is $28.47, including tax. *Beep*"  
Crow: [Marle] "Aw crap, even in the future Shell's screwing us!" 

 

>"Time gauge fully functional. Heavy damage to other areas of system:  
>Time control damaged beyond capabilities of auto-repair system. 

Mike: Call out the nanites!  
Crow: [Robo] "And the automatic cappuccino machine is completely shot!"  
Tom: [Lucca] "Well, fix it yourself then, you lazy git!"

 

>Aerial travel still possible, but only for no more than ten minutes  
>at a time."

Tom: Just enough time to get to cruising altitude and put on a  
parachute.  
Crow: Stupid cheap acid... I *knew* I should have saved up for the  
premium stuff!

 

>"So we're stuck here," said Crono.

Joel: Guess so, Cap'n Joe.

 

>This surprised everyone, since Crono hardly ever talked. In fact,  
>people often thought he was mute.

Tom: Well, that's just because he's shy.  
Crow: The perils of losing the remote control finally realized.  
Joel: [Crono] "Actually, I've just been snubbing people all my life.  
After all, who's better than me?

 

>"Alya help." said Alya. "Crono friend." If anything, the Cro-Magnon  
>woman was comforting during a crisis.

Mike: And the next candidate for a muting.  
Tom: Not to nitpick, but isn't it Ayla?  
Crow: [Ayla] "Now, all ya' betta' help out ou' poo' Crono heah!"

 

>"Methinks we should go to the nearest town and acquire some lodgings  
>until the machine hath been fixed," Croaked Glenn, or Frog as he  
>preferred to be known. 

Joel: Probably because of his front-lilypad seats to every Shakespeare  
in the Park for fifteen straight years.  
Tom: [Frog] "I shall procure Boardwalk and Park Place, and build  
upon them forthwith! I'll be rich!"  
Mike: [Frog] "And besides, it'll give me another chance to plug the new  
WB!"

 

>His style of talking was quaint, even for a man from 600 AD. 

Tom: And here I thought the only use for 'quaint' was in describing  
bed-and-breakfasts.  
Crow: As was his refusal to sing about anything other than the trials  
and tribulations of being green.

 

>He cracked his green knuckles and prepared to get back  
>into the Epoch when Marle said:

Crow: [Marle] "Dogpile on the green guy!"  
Mike: [Marle] "Shouldn't you have a doctor look at that broken hand?"

 

>"Wait a second!" Everyone turned toward her. "Can't we use the Gate  
>Key to try again?"

Joel: [Frog] "But it probably wouldn't fit in the ignition."  
Mike: A Gate Key? I bet H. R. Haldemann and the CREEP would've killed  
for one of those.  
Tom: [Frog] I have no gate key.  
Crow: [Marle] Lucca, tear his arms off.  
Tom: [Frog] Oh, you mean THIS gate key!

 

>Lucca took the gate key out of her pocket and frowned. "I think that  
>it was damaged during the landing. It's broken in half."

Crow: Or was that your fossilized piece of pizza?

 

>"So, we really *are* stuck here."  
>"That's how it looks."

Joel: But how does it feel?  
Tom: You must learn to trust Cap'n Joe, learn to believe his words  
and his wisdom...  
Crow: Paid for by the Fugitive Alien Cast for Eternal Deification  
Society.

 

>"Let's go to New Guardia, then."  
>"Right," said Magus.  
>The group got back into the Epoch and flew towards New Guardia.

Joel: They said it and gosh darn it, they're gonna do it!  
Tom: Hope it doesn't take more than ten minutes...  
Crow: It just says "towards". Odds are they died a firey Hindenburg-  
type death within sight range of the city limits.

 

>After landing and disembarking, Robo knelt down where the senshi  
>landed and paused, apparently scanning the ground for something.

Mike: [Rei] "Look harder! I dropped that five hundred yen piece ten  
minutes ago!"  
Tom: [Serena] "I think I found a hedgehog!"  
Mike: [Rei] "Seren-A! That's a Garden Weasel!"

 

>"What are you looking for, Robo?" said Marle, bending down to her  
>robot friend's side.

Joel: Robo! The 'bot that doubles as a metal detector!  
Tom: He's looking for truffles.  
Crow: Or searching for the plot.

 

>"Scanners have detected strange emanations originating from this  
>space."

Mike: Random photons, various gamma rays... calibrate that 'bot higher!  
Joel: [Robo] "And they're making me feel... kinda happy!"  
Tom: And *please* turn off his Paris impression.

 

>"Do you know what it might be?"  
>"Most likely source: NegaVerse energy."

Mike: [Beryl] "That energy's too small. Throw it back!"  
Tom: [Nephrite] "Yes, your majesty."

 

>"NegaVerse energy?"

Crow: Use it, where you work or bank!

 

>"Yes. During our time in the kingdom of Zeal, I studied much of the  
>literature in the libraries. 

Joel: Especially the Erma Bombeck books.  
Crow: As a result, Robo can program virtually *any* model of VCR!  
Tom: Must've used the team of Crono, Marle, and Lucca throughout those  
stages...

 

>Some books, particularly "the book of Nu," mentioned a negative  
>universe, or NegaVerse. 

Joel: Now if THAT were true, bub, then all of the Negaverse generals  
would have been nothing more than disco light shows.  
Tom: Yar-har, we'll have the author walk de Planck, we will!  
Mike: But then, it's always been suspected that the book of Nu was  
written by a known pessimist.

 

>Apparently, it was a gateway between dimensions. Some of the residents  
>of the NegaVerse, however, became evil and began draining life energy  
>from the resident beings. 

Crow: And worse of all, they disguised themselves as Jehovah's  
Witnesses to do it.  
Tom: [Zoicite] "Hey, it's an energy kegger! Get the tap, we'll drain  
it good!"

 

>One dimension in particular had a planet called Earth, which  
>was the most common subject of the energy raids. 

Mike: They decided that Earth was a much happier place than Gor.  
Joel: Lara Croft IS "Energy Raider"!  
Crow: And here I thought it was Al Davis.

 

>It would appear that humans from Earth were sent here through the  
>NegaVerse for purposes unknown. 

Joel: We can only hope it was to advance this plot.  
Crow: Mass murders of Negaverse minions and generals... the thwarting  
of Beryl's plans over and over... and the Negaverse finally processed  
the Senshi on income tax evasion. Oh, the irony.  
Mike: Ah yes, the Al Capone syndrome.

 

>We might be able to meet with them and learn what they are  
>doing here."

Tom: Hired for lawn maintenance?  
Crow: Bothering random tailors?  
Joel: Sightseeing in some random Super Nintendo game?

 

>After the senshi left the tailor shop, they decided to look at the  
>statue of Crono, Lucca, and Marle. 

Mike: [Mina] "Can you see it underneath all the feathers and white  
glop?"  
Tom: [Rei] "It's gotta be under here somewhere."  
Joel: The stone Crono had a five-year-old jersey of the New Guardia  
Sentinels from a failed playoff run.

 

>They were amazed by the time and effort put into the statue, and the  
>portrayal of the heroes.

Joel: [Serena] "Hey, cool, they crossed the Delaware in the dead of  
night to fight the Prussians!"  
Tom: Pablo Picasso couldn't have done a more cubist approach.

 

>"Wow!" said Rei. "Crono looks awesome! He looks so cool!"  
>"Yeah," said Lita. "He reminds me of my old boyfriend."

Mike: [Ami] "You dated stone statues, Lita?"  
Joel: She must really like the strong and silent type.  
Tom: And dense. Very dense.

 

>"Excuse me," said a strange voice behind them, "But would you ladies  
>like a free sample of Nu Juice?"

Joel: Fresh-squeezed, from the Church of Lunar Consciousness.  
Crow: Imagine if they were offered a taste of old juice.

 

>The senshi turned around, and saw a strange, turquoise, spherical  
>creature with tiny eyes and a flat, Pac-man-like mouth. 

Joel: Yes, it was Cindy Lou Nu, who was no more than two...  
Tom: [Serena] "Hey! It's Karl Malden's nose!"  
Mike: [Makoto] "Cupeli! What are you doing here? Should you be  
with Fina?"

 

>The creature held up a tray filled with small paper cups filled  
>with a blue juice-like liquid.

Tom: Blue creature, blue juice... Fic, are you intentionally trying  
to make us sick?  
Mike: Ugghh.  
Crow: [creature] "Enjoy some complimentary blueberry juice with a  
Nyquil chaser."

 

>"Oh, sure," said Serena, taking a cup of the odd-looking blue liquid.  
>Cautiously, she took a sip, and asked the creature what was in the  
>juice.

Tom: Nashohol?  
Crow: Windex?  
Tom: Fresh-squeezed Smurfs?  
Joel: Aww, come on! Do the math, Serena! What do you think?!  
Mike: Do you need Ami to draw you a picture?

 

>The Nu rattled off a list of fruits, most of which couldn't be  
>recognized, but she did notice grapes, plums, and oranges.

Tom: Along with purple horseshoes, green clovers, and red balloons!  
Crow: [creature] "Haven't you ever heard of Fifty-Five Alive?"

 

>The other senshi took a cup and noticed that it tasted like the fruit  
>equivalent of a V-8.

Joel: Saltier 'n all heck and hard going down?  
Crow: The other senshi ALSO noticed that yet again, Serena gets top billing.  
Mike: [Rei] "Why don't YOU try being the other senshi, Serena?"

 

>"If you would like more," said the Nu, "You can buy 32-ounce bottles  
>of Nu Juice for 1 GP at the Nu Star grocery store over to the left of  
>the statue."

Tom: It provides all of the B complex vitamins, and refreshes even  
BETTER than Powerade!  
Crow: Heck, apple cider vinegar does a better job than Powerade.  
Mike: [Nu] "Just look for the Star, and you know you're getting good  
service!"

 

>"GP?" asked Ami.

Joel: Green Pliers.  
Tom: Gross Pandas?  
Crow: Going Places?  
Mike: Grape Puma.

 

>"Gold Pieces."

Tom: Now, would that be pieces of eight or Spanish doubloons? How  
many troy ounces are they? And how pure?

 

>Ami turned toward the other senshi and said, "I think we had better go  
>to a bank and see if we can convert our Yen to Gold Pieces."

Mike: Seeing as how yen is an integral part of the economy of this...  
video game.  
Tom: You'd have better luck selling it as paperweights and notepads,  
girls.

 

>The senshi walked to the nearest bank, and were given 2 GP to the Yen.

Joel: Then they took one more step, and found themselves wading in the  
river.  
Tom: HOT... FINANCIAL... ACTION...  
Crow: Boo! Hiss! No way! The only thing you might get two to the yen  
for is rubles!  
Mike: Now, is it 10 gil to the nearest GP? Or is that in Rupees?

 

>"Let's see... that gives us a grand total of 10,300 GP," said Lita.  
>"And," said Rei, looking at Serena, "since we don't want to lose any  
>of it, *I'd* better hold onto it."

Mike: [Rei] "There's this Ether that I've had my eye on for a while...  
and some plate armor would be divine!"  
Tom: [Serena] "No, no! You have to stock up on healing potions! Something  
tells me we're gonna need em!"

 

>Everyone agreed. Serena seemed to be embarrassed by the accusation  
>that she was irresponsible with money.

Tom: [Serena] "I know I'm no Gordon Gecko..."  
Crow: Actually, it sounds a bit like Gordon Grover.  
Joel: [Rei] "You can't HANDLE the money! Show it to me NOW!"

 

>They were about to go into the Nu Star to get something to eat when a  
>voice over a PA system said, "Serena, your clothing is ready."

Tom: Oh, that nutty Adam Sandler. Is nothing sacred?

 

>The senshi walked into the tailor's shop and picked up the outfits,  
>paying 75 GP.

Tom: Clothes for a mere thirty-seven yen?  
Mike: [tailor] "It'll cost another six thousand per outfit for you  
girls to put them on though!"  
Crow: Then they invested nine hundred GP into three tents, along  
with another twenty-four hundred for a pair of cabins.

 

>Then, they went into a small Caf_ and ordered lunch.

Joel: I and C conspired to eliminate E once and for all.  
Tom: [Lunch] "Lunch, do this. Lunch, do that. Man, I hate my life!"

 

>"That's really interesting," said Rei, "They have exactly the same  
>food here as they do back home, right down to the Squid-on-a-Stick!"

Mike: That's strange, they call it "Mrs. Paul's" back in the States...  
Joel: But Linda McCartney was a vegetarian.  
Mike: You know what I mean.

 

>"Yeah," said Lita, "that is weird."  
>Ami was looking at the receipt for the clothing and noticed  
>something.

Crow: [Ami] "Seventy-five GP for clothes? Wow... mental note, buy  
the store dry of silk and satin."  
Tom: [Ami] "...this garment will ride up with wear!? What the?!?"  
Mike: Shouldn't she be used to that by now though?

 

>"Hey, guys, look at the date on this receipt. It says the first of  
>April, 1999!"

Tom, Joel: "APRIL FOOLS!"  
Tom: [Jadeite] "You guys... heehee... actually thought we WANTED  
to take over the world's energy?! HAHAHA!! Like we'd want Earth  
energy!!"  
Mike: [Serena] "Oh, you kidders!"

 

>"That's strange," said Serena, "so we've jumped forward six years!"

Crow: Theorizing that one could time travel within her own lifetime,  
Doctor Serena Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator, and  
vanished...

 

>"Yeah," Lita whispered, "but this obviously isn't Earth, because the  
>cities aren't as close together."

Tom: But they're much closer at Thanksgiving, when New Guardia carves  
the turkey.  
Crow: They usually meet each other using "Holiday Road".  
Joel: Too bad Charles Dickens isn't writing this story.

 

>"Or rather, not unbroken," said Rei.  
>"You gonna have some more Squid-on-a-Stick, Serena?"  
>"Yeah. I'm really hungry..."

Mike: [Ami] "But Serena, that's armadillo on a stick."  
Joel: [Serena] "I ain't picky... *chomp* Ouch! *chomp* Ouch!  
*chomp* Ouch!"  
All: [Senshi] "Sheesh."

 

>\----

Tom: [singing] Gimme a break, gimme a break... break me off a piece  
of that long fan-fic!  
Mike: Line 'em up, watch 'em fall...

 

>Everybody in New Guardia looked at the seven with a slightly  
>cock-eyed glance, 

Crow: [Townsperson] "Yul Brenner? Steve McQueen? Charles Bronson?  
What brings you people here?"  
Joel: Imagine what happens when Bronson brings his friends Telly  
Savalas, George Kennedy, and Ernest Borgnine.  
Tom: Dozens of evil toy monkeys?  
Mike: Well...

 

>especially Crono, Marle, and Lucca. Some of the people ran over  
>to Crono to get a closer look, then they looked at the statue,  
>than back at Crono.

Tom: [townsperson] "Shouldn't you have more moss on you?"  
Joel: ...then back at the statue then once again at Crono over  
and over again until a series of loud cracks and pops announced  
an outbreak of severe whiplash.  
Crow: Next on Fox Non-Stop: When Goofy Triple Takes Go Too Far!

 

>"Great... Our cover's busted," said Marle.

Mike: Huggy Bear fingered her, and her life's never been the same.

 

>\----

Mike: [Jocko Conlan] "If you cross this line, I'm throwing you out!"  
Joel: That's just begging for a kick in the dirt.

 

>Serena paused with her squid-on-a-stick halfway to her mouth when  
>she noticed the commotion outside.

Joel: [chanting] "VEGETARIANS FOREVER! VEGETARIANS FOREVER!"  
Tom: [chanting] "SAVE OUR SQUID! SAVE OUR SQUID!"  
Crow: [chanting] "ALL WE ARE SAYYYYYING... IS GIVE PISCES A  
CHANNNNNCE...!"

 

>"What are all of those people doing over there?" She asked.  
>"Like I know," Rei replied.

Mike: [Serena] "In that case, go find out! I dub you... our  
Sailor Scout!"  
Tom: Aww, man... that's bad on so many levels.

 

>The senshi decided to check out what was going on.

Joel: It was Luna raising a ruckus so that the Senshi could use the  
ol' "swallow, slurp, and skedaddle" move.  
Crow: [Lita] "The total comes to twelve eight-seven, Going On... do  
you have any coupons?"

 

>"Hey, it's that guy from the statue-- EEEEK! A FROG!!!" screamed  
>Mina.

Mike: No, Eek's a cat.

 

>The townsfolk knew quite well who they were, because most of them  
>had read of them.

All: [Townspeople] "SAILOR MOON! WILL YOU SIGN OUR MANGAS?!"  
Crow: [Serena] "Fifteen bucks a pop. And don't even THINK of  
bringing me adult doujinshis!

 

>The scouts, who obviously had not, ducked quickly behind a wall.  
>"It... It's Alan! And he's got a cardian!" Shouted Serena.

Tom: [Mina] "Yes, it is a rather stylish sweater..."  
Joel: [Alan] "FEAR. MY. WOOL."  
Crow: And here I thought he'd be bringing another epilogue of  
"Waters Under Earth".

 

>The senshi transformed, expecting that the "Cardian" would attack  
>the people.  
>Five transformations later...

Joel: Optimus Prime started kicking butt and taking names?  
Mike: [Serena] Ooooh, I like this pink one.... nah, maybe this  
purple one... hey guys, how do I look in Aqua Velva?  
Tom: [Rei] For pete's sake, Serena, he's gonna get away! Just lose  
the disguise pen and PICK one already!

 

>"Hey! Green guy!" Sailor Moon shouted.  
>"Doth thou mean me?" Frog croaked.

Mike: [Moon] "I certainly ain't talking to Jupiter, dolt!"  
Tom: [Moon] "Have a Ricola! They really clear up your throat!"  
Crow: Determined to emerge from Kermit's shadow, Robin strived to  
become a Shakespearian actor while taking bit parts in fanfiction  
crossovers....

 

>"Do you see anything else with green skin?" Magus replied.

Crow: Serena after one too many cups of Nu juice?  
Tom: [Frog] "How about that stalk of grass?"  
Crow: [Moon] "Hardly!"  
Joel: [Frog] "Those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"  
Mike: [Magus] "Wrong crossover, chief."

 

>"You have violated this peaceful city!" Sailor Moon yelled bravely.  
>"How dare you!"

Tom: Well, it was more a violation in rules than in spirit...  
Mike: Then she heroically thrust up her arm and with unrivaled  
courage extended her middle finger.  
Crow: [Moon] "President Scroob, salute!"

 

>"Huh?" Marle said.

Crow: We're all in agreement.

 

>"I am Sailor Moon, and I stand for love, and justice, and I will  
>punish you!"  
>"Yeah, right!" Magus shot back. "Dark Bomb!"

Mike: He's got a lot of clout to be able to order up airstrikes.  
Tom: [Magus] "Sayonara, Saddam!"  
Joel: [Moon] "Ooh. Ow. That really hurts. Ooh. It's all dark  
and it hurts and stuff. Ooh."  
Crow: [Magus] "Please don't spoil this for me."

 

>The scouts were covered in a field similar to the one Malachite had  
>put them in so long ago

Crow: Baseball? Cricket? Polo?  
Joel: Sally?  
Tom: [Lita] "AAAHH! Get this Astroturf offa me!!"  
Joel: [Serena, whispering] "If we build it, will they come?"

 

>"ARRGH!!" Shouted Lita. "Maybe... He's... A NegaVerse... General..."

Mike: [Lita] "Or... at... least... a colonel... maybe... a major..."  
Tom: New, on CBS this fall! "Negaverse Major Dad"! Starring  
Gerald McRainey and Nephrite!  
Crow: Is that before or after "Everybody Hates Tuxy"?

 

>"NegaVerse?" asked Marle. "Did you come through the NegaVerse?"

Tom: [Mercury] "Well, the Jersey Turnpike was rather congested..."  
Crow: Nah, a doorway actually.

 

>"Hey!" said a voice from behind them. 

Mike: [Moon] "Fighting innocents is unforgivable! Heck, so is  
standing around and not doing anything! Besides, I'm ready to  
frag *SOMETHING* into moondust, and you're all targets!  
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
Joel: [Ami, under her breath] "No more squids for her for a while."

 

>Everybody turned toward the alley. 

Tom: To watch Dick Weber roll a strike.

 

>Out of the shadows appeared Koban, followed by the rest of the  
>Red Dragons.

Crow [Koban]: "We controls the turf 'round here, folks. Now, about  
a little protection money?"  
Joel: [Moon] "You're going to get really chafed thumbs snapping your  
fingers like that."  
Tom: [Koban] "WE ARE THE TERRORS THAT FLAP IN THE NIGHT... oh wait,  
wrong intro. Sorry!"

 

>"Oh, great..." said KnightShade. "A fight."  
>"Please, kind people," Frog croaked, "This is but a misunderstanding!"

Mike: ... he said, summoning down a colossial froggy.  
Tom: [Frog] "We had no idea our time machine was double-parked!"

 

>"What are you guys doing here?" asked Koban.

Mike: [KnightShade] "You wrote us here, you explain it!"  
Tom: [Magus] "Yeah!"  
Crow: [Mars] "Yeah!!"  
Joel: [townsperson] "YEAH."  
All: YEAH!!!

 

>"Hey... That's Magus! And Crono, and Glenn! And Marle... All of them!"  
>KnightShade stared.

Crow: [Billy] "And Chief! And McCloud! And Hardcastle! And even  
McCormick! Wow!"  
Joel: Take a picture, it'll last longer Billy.  
Tom: [Akira] "You want to sleep in the doghouse tonight, don'tcha  
Billy?"  
Crow: [Billy] "As long as Ayla comes with. AWWOOOO!"  
Mike: *thwack*!  
Crow: [Billy] "Ouch!"

 

>"What I want to know is what these girls are doing here!"  
>The Dark Bomb wore off and Sailor Jupiter attacked. "Jupiter...  
>Thunder... Dragon!" 

Mike: She hates his pick-up lines too.  
Tom: Jupiter Thunder Dragon against the Red Dragons... how ironic.  
Crow: Even more ironic they were all dubbed by Sean Connery.

 

>Lightning struck the sphere on Jupiter's tiara, and shot out,  
>forming a dragon. The dragon roared and went straight for Magus.

Tom: [Magus] "Umm... heel? Sit? MOMMMMEEEEE!!"

 

>Koban clasped his hands like a man praying, and shouted "Sacred...  
>Ninja... Power!"

Joel: Lee van Cleef taught him that one.  
Tom: Better him than Tim Van Patten.  
Mike: [Koban a la Stormshadow] "I would kill you now... but that  
would deprive me of the pleasure of humiliating you once again!"

 

>Magus bounded over the dragon and started going in for the kill with  
>his scythe when...

Crow: ...suddenly, a mountain of Chris Farleys fell from the sky and  
piled on top of him!  
Mike: [Koban] "Crap, I didn't say 'Sacred Beverly Hills Ninja Power!'"

 

>A dark wave of energy trapped the senshi and the time travelers,  
>paralyzing them.

Joel: Because, of course, sacred equals dark.  
Tom: [singing] "It's about time, it's about place, it's about MSTers  
who read about the strangest place!"

 

>"Good work, Koban!" Said KnightShade.  
>Koban approached the frozen heroes and said, "okay, let's talk!"

All: Shut UP, Joan Rivers!!

 

>"What the hell is going on?" said KnightShade.  
>Serena said, "We thought that that frog over there was a Cardian  
>and..."

Tom: [Koban] "And so you just attacked 'em?"  
Joel: [Serena] "We usually shoot first and let Serenity sort 'em out."

 

>"We hath come to slayeth Lavos," Croaked Frog.

All: [singing] "Be-cause be-cause be-CAUSE... of the wonderful  
things he does!"

 

>"Uh oh..." said KnightShade.

Crow: [Groucho Marx] "You just said the secret woid..."

 

>Koban snapped his fingers, and all of the trapped people fell to the  
>ground. "I think we should go home and have a friendly little chat."

Tom: [Koban] "First, let's set the mode to plus-I."  
Crow: Not to trample on your plans, but of the twelve people from  
rather disparate locations in front of you... WHOSE home?

 

>"Yeah... Or else."  
>"I don't feel special anymore," said Serena.

Joel: [Serena] "The story is losing its focus on me! No fair!"  
Mike: [Serena] "I'm becoming an ordinary character! Like Rei or  
Lita!!"  
Crow, Tom: [Rei & Lita] "Hey!"

 

>"I know when I'm beat," grumbled Lita.

Joel: [Lita] "I have the WORSE luck around talking cats..."

 

>"Too many people have super powers!" cried Serena. "WAAHH! I  
>WANNA BE THE ONLY ONE WITH POWERS!"

Crow: [Serena] "Christopher Lambert even told me that there could  
be only one."  
Tom: [Serena] "I want to shine up everyone's candy ass real good and  
hand it to them! I want to layeth the smack down!"  
Mike: [Frog] "Quit stealingeth my speecheth, ith'sh mine only  
definingeth charactheristhic!"

 

>Rei slapped Serena, and Magus kicked her.

Mike: I don't know whether to cheer or feel sickened.  
Tom: [Serena] "Hey! I ain't Anthy!"

 

>"Enough with the violence," said Koban, "Just pick up your stuff and  
>follow us.

Joel: [Koban] "Can't we all just... get along?"  
Tom: [Koban] "And quit trying to carry Ayla, Billy."  
Mike: Speaking of carrying... we gotta get out of here for a bit, guys.  
Tom: Whatta pickup line!  
Mike: Hey...

 

\---Satellite of Love

"What's it time for?!" Tom Servo bellowed.

"FAILED... PICKUP... LINES!" everyone yelled. Canned applause was  
opened, and even Gypsy was celebrating.

Tom hovered over to the center of the desk. "I'm your host, Wink  
Servo, and here are your contestants! First, from Huntsville, Alabama,  
say hello to Billy Joe Bob Hooter Gomer Smith!"

Behind a gameshow-styled podium and in a pair of overalls, Mike  
raised his arm and yelled, "SooooEEEEE!!"

"Yes! And, all the way from the swinger's capital of the world, Eau  
Claire, Wisconsin, say hello to every woman's number one cheesehead,  
Allan P. Project!"

Crow stepped forward behind his own podium and said, "Hey gals. My  
turnons include cheese, Packers, more cheese, and cheeseheads. And go  
Packers!"

"Sorry, Allan, but the game hasn't started yet. And here is our  
extra-special guest, from numerous Cheers airport lounges, say hello to  
John Ratzenburger!" Joel stepped forward, wearing blue pants and a  
blue jacket with a hurriedly-drawn USPS logo on it. "Now, let's  
introduce your lady-love, who you will be putting the moves on today...  
Gypsy Rose!"

Gypsy reappeared to the bridge sporting a flower behind her eye.  
"I'm here, boys, come and get me!"

"You all know how this game works," Tom continued, "so let's play...  
Failed Pickup Lines! As always, our judge in the booth, Magic Voice...  
are you ready?"

"Of course, Tom!" Magic Voice replied.

"Okay! Let's start with a category... Eyes, for $200! Compliment  
Gypsy on her eyes, and use the word... 'deep'."

*BZZ* "Ooh, hay Winky, dat's easy! Yer eye is so deep, I could dive  
right in, yes indeedy!" Mike answered.

"Ooh, sorry Billy Joe Bob, but at least make them fail a bit more  
sophisticatedly! Anyone?"

*BZZ* Crow hit his buzzer. "Your eye is so beautiful, it's like  
looking into a deep pool of Pabst Blue Ribbon," Crow responded.

"Oh Crow!" Gypsy rapidly blinked her eye.

"Magic Voice? Does that one get credit?"

"Yes, we'll give it to him," Magic Voice replied.

"Okay then! Allen's on the board with $200! Next question..." Tom  
said, as he read from a card pulled out by his mouth, "beauty, for  
$300. Compare her beauty using the word 'smooth'!"

*BZZ*

"John Ratzenburger?"

"Yes... As you know, if a naugahyde couch is sat upon enough times,  
it becomes smooth and shiny from use. Your beauty is like a naugahyde  
couch as long as you have been sat upon enough times," Joel stated.

"You pig!" Gypsy yelled.

Tom tried to calm Gypsy down. "For her expression of disgust, John  
Ratzenburger, you get double points for that one." Just then, three  
bells were heard. "And that's it for the game, we're out of time...  
John Ratzenburger is the champion, with $600! We hope you'll join us  
again for..."

"FAILED... PICKUP... LINES!" everyone on the satellite shouted.

"I'm Wink Servo, thank you for watching!"

Again, the lights on the SOL started flashing like crazy and the  
satellite shook. "Here we go again!" Joel yelled while trying to take  
the pants off.

==

Stay tuned, there's two more parts to go. Watch as all three groups  
of superheroes bring down governments and cause anarchy... oh, well,  
don't believe EVERYTHING you see written. "Z"


	2. Chapter 2

MSTing of "Sailor Trigger" by Scott "Zoogz" Jamison  
Part Two of Three

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
bottom)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you  
inside)

 

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the fourth  
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that was Joel, and  
Crow sat in the far right seat.)

 

>A short time later...

Joel: John Ratzenburger was lynched.  
Crow: Cold fusion was achieved, at the cost of New Guardia.  
Tom: [physicist] "Oops?"

 

>Koban stood up and looked everyone at the table square in the face and  
>said, "Okay, first things first... 

Mike: [Koban] "Does anyone like my bug-eyes?"  
Crow: [Koban] "Serena had a pimple on her forehead, that'll have to  
be squeezed soon... Rei needs her nose hairs trimmed... Ami could use  
some eye liner...."

 

>Would any of you like some tea?"  
>KnightShade said, "Yeah! Tea!"

Mike: [Billy] "Teateateateateateateatea!!! TEA!!!"  
Joel: He's half in the drink as it is.  
Tom: There's better ways to get your caffeine fix, Billy boy.  
Crow: The legacy of the round Tetley tea bag lives on.

 

>"Would kill for some," Mina said.

Mike: Could you demonstrate on Billy?  
Tom: For shame, Mike! Billy's just a kid!

 

>"FOOD!" Serena said. "Uh... Drink! Gimme!"

Tom: [Serena] "Ugg, food good and drink good! Must have both!"  
Joel: The primordial Kuno.  
Crow: First Frog, now Ayla... it's such a good thing that Serena's  
characteristics are so malleable.

 

>"Hold it down, meatballs," said Koban, "you don't want to spill on  
>yourself."  
>Serena gulped the tea down, and blacked out. 

Crow: Someday, Koban will learn not to mix up the ground tea leaves  
with the dust from the kitchen floor.  
Joel: She passed out from TEA? Man, one sip of beer might kill her!  
Tom: [Koban] "Yes! Now we can draw on her! Doodley-doo! Doodley-  
doo!"

 

>Magus had a cup and seemed unfazed. He did sigh, though, as all of  
>the Senshi passed out.

Joel: [Magus, singing] "Jiggly... puff, ji-gaallyyy-puff!"  
Mike: [Koban] "You give Serena a pair of black eyes, and I'll draw  
some whiskers on Lita! It'll be fun!"  
Crow: Geez, that's taking 'good to the last drop' a little far,  
isn't it?

 

>"AHH!" He said. "What fine tea!"  
>"I've got to learn to put less chamomile in," Koban said.  
>Seconds later, the scouts reawakened.

Tom: [Mina] "I can see through time!"  
Crow: [Lita] "I am the lizard queen!"  
Joel: [Marle] "Isn't it cool?"

 

>"Sorry about the tea, ladies."  
>Crono and crew explained their reasons for coming there...

Crow: Garage sales?  
Tom: A fifth of Jack D.?  
Joel: For Magus to answer personals ads?  
Mike: [ad] "I'm twenty-something, of Asian extraction, and just  
getting over my last boyfriend who couldn't keep his eyes in his  
head. Don't worry, I'll contact you; I can read minds."

 

>"Okay," said KnightShade, "so you've come to kill Lavos, who'll be  
>cropping up in a couple of months... Hmm... 

Tom: It sounds familiar, he has a rash like that.  
Crow: [Magus] "Yep, we put in a crop of Lavos sixty-five million years  
ago, and he's just beginning to produce..."  
Joel: [Lucca] "We're praying daily for hail but so far, no dice."

 

>Now you, ladies."  
>The scouts explained about their poor choice of paths.

Tom: [Serena] "Who knew that the sign saying, "DON'T ENTER!" was  
serious?  
Mike: [Ami] "I admit it! I knew that joining up with these girls  
would prevent me from my college education and lucrative practice!"  
Joel: Something happened on the way to becoming Doc Hollywood.

 

>"Well, we were in the NegaVerse," said Serena, "and we kinda took a  
>wrong turn while trying to get back home."

Joel: Be glad it didn't happen in New Orleans, the people there  
don't have a good track record with Japanese nationals.  
Crow: Though I hear their funerals are a pure delight!

 

>"So you say this Alan character looks like Magus?" Inquired Koban.  
>"Yep," said Rei. "Pale skin... Light blue hair... Odd clothes...  
>Pointy ears..."

Joel: [Koban] "Y'sure he wasn't a troll doll?"  
Tom: [Rei] "And don't get me started about that Jamie Farr character!  
Talk about odd clothes... whew!"  
Mike: [Rei] "Waitaminute... Ami, are you SURE you had nothing to  
do with this whole story arc?"

 

>"Was he really quiet?" Asked Marle.  
>"No..."  
>"I'm really quiet?" asked Magus. "Well, if you would speak to me every  
>once in a while..."

Joel: Well, an air raid siren would look quiet compared to a blonde-  
haired pre-teen.  
Crow: For more reference, see Mina.  
Tom: [Magus] "I'd still have to snub you, of course, but I'd appriciate  
the effort!"

 

>Marle decided to ask something different. "Did he have a somewhat grim  
>attitude?"

Crow: She's just searching for ways to get Magus beat up by the  
Sailor Senshi now!  
Tom: [Marle] "In that case, does he look anything like Malachite? At  
least tell me he could double as a youma! Please?"

 

>"Not really..." Rei said. "He kinda liked Serena."  
>Magus looked at Serena and said, "I don't see anything special about  
>her. She looks like she has big meatballs on her head."

Tom: Bill Murray and Ivan Reitman?  
Mike: [Magus] "And her hair like spaghetti... along with that tiara,  
which could double as sauce... MMmmmm!"

 

>Marle said, "Did Alan have a sister?"

Joel: Elly-Mae?  
Tom: Eva Gabor?

 

>"Um..." Rei responded, "Yeah. I think. Not sure though. Ann was...

Mike: Raggedy. Really raggedy.

 

>Uh... Well, he *said* she was her sister, but they treated each other  
>as if they were in love or something."  
>"Yeah," Serena said, "Ann would always get jealous when me and Alan  
>got close."

Crow: [Serena] "Especially when I popped in a stick of Big Red before  
meeting him... boy, we did EVERYTHING a little bit longer!"  
Tom: She was wishing Alan was more like the Doublemint Twins.

 

>"That sounds kinda like Alfador," Lucca said.  
>"Who?" The senshi all asked.

Mike: Lobster Alfador?  
Joel: Pasta Alfaredor?  
Crow: Alfalfa Alfador?

 

>"Magus' cat."  
>"The story of Queen Beryl reminds me of when we saved Queen Lenee  
>from Yakra," Frog interjected. 

Mike: Wasn't it Queen Leene?  
Tom: [Frog] "Darn it, we rescued the wrong one!"

 

>"Except it was the King's Chancellor who was the evil creature."  
>"Umm..." Mina said. "Mr..... Um..."

Crow: She's trying to connect with her inner soul.  
Joel: Or her inner Crash Test Dummy.  
Mike: [Frog as Virgil Tibbs] "They call me... MR. TIBBS!"

 

>Frog said, "Frog will do."  
>"Mr. Frog, why... uh... Are you a frog?"

Tom: [Frog] "I'll tell you, but first wanna hear the story about how  
two gay elves came to live inside my sword?"

 

>"Ask the cloaked one..."

Mike: [Mina] "Okay. Spill it, Koban!"  
Tom: Speaking of which, whatever happened to the mighty Red Dragons  
in this scene anyway?  
Crow: All of them slipped out while the Senshi and the Crono Trigger  
gang were passed out?  
Joel: [Brown Hornet] "They miraculiously escaped unharmed..."

 

>Magus explained, "Me and Frog here, we... Had an argument, and I  
>turned him into a frog.

Joel: Through the use of a twitching nose and a blonde wig.  
Tom: [Frog] "Saman-THA!!"

 

>Ami walked over to where Robo was standing, and stared for a while.  
>"May I help you?" Robo said.

Joel: [Robo] "Are you being served?"  
Crow: One of the few cases where a picture *wouldn't* last longer.

 

>"It talks! Amazing!" Ami said.  
>"But of course."  
>"What is your name, robot?"

Joel: [Ami] "Name, rank, and serial number! NOW, Private!!"  
Crow: Well, if you *must* know, I'm Crow. Now quit breaking the  
fourth wall!

 

>"R66-Y. Or Robo. Or Prometheus."  
>"Well, Robo, would you mind, er could I, um..."  
>"Anything, mistress."

Tom: [Ami] "Oh wow! And I was even going to reprogram you to say  
that too!"  
Joel: I dunno, but I wouldn't stand all too close to a submissive  
robot with multiple personalities.

 

>"Can I have a look inside?"

Tom: [Robo] "Umm, shouldn't we get to know each other first?"  
Crow: Geez, she just can't enough of our kind, can she?  
Mike: You know you love it.  
Crow: Heh.

 

>"..............................." 

Mike: Robo's operating system just crashed.  
Tom: [Robo] "DEFRAGMENTING. PLEASE WAIT FOR - five days. BEEP"  
Joel: [Ami] "D'oh!"

 

>a large sweat drop appeared on Robo's head, 

Mike: And as it began to fall...  
All: TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX!  
Tom: [Dick Clark] "Man, look at this crowd in Times Square!"  
All: THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

 

>which was very unusual, as robots do not sweat. 

Joel: Robots, unlike humans, do NOT have an excuse for their BO.  
Crow & Tom: Hey!

 

>"That is not something I enjoy, but go ahead."

Tom: [Ami] "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!"

 

>"You mess him up and you DIE," Lucca said.

Joel: [Lucca] "You'll find a robot's head in yer bed, capiche?"  
Mike: That would certainly raise a Robot Rumpus.  
Tom: (shuddering) "Don't remind me!"

 

>"I'll only take a minute, and I'll be careful," Ami said, opening up  
>Robo's head and looking at the jumble of wires. 

Mike: Cut the red one!  
Joel: Go for the black one!  
Tom: [City Hunter] "It's the blue one! Nookie never lies!"

 

>"Is this supposed to be in there?" She said, pulling out a  
>small insect."

Crow: See? It landed at the end of that sentence!  
Joel: Robo's got lice! Send him home with a note to his  
parents!

 

>"No wonder he hasn't been so good in combat lately," Magus said.  
>"It appears Robo has literally got a bug!" Ami said, laughing to  
>herself.

Mike: [Robo] "I'll have you know that the "bug", as you call it,  
is my level nineteen Venonat!"  
Tom: [Ami] "And it's contagious... uh-oh..."

 

>Frog stuck out his tongue, nabbed the bug, and ate it.  
>"That is what Thou geteth for messing with Robo's brain!"

Joel: Rather draconian, if you ask me.  
Tom: ...Thou getteth for "messing"?  
Crow: Well, it was an obscure archaic word.  
Tom: I guess.  
Mike: [Frog] "Thou shalt not screw with mine posse, word?"

 

>Ami closed Robo's head and went back to her seat.

Mike: And then Ami closed Robo's seat and went back to the  
head.  
Tom: [Ami] "Ahh, sweet release."

 

>KnightShade sat, contemplating the immanent danger the world was in.

Joel: [Billy] "Wait'll they get a load of me!"  
Mike: He's warning us that there's another Keanu Reeves film  
out soon!

 

>Akira was holding his hand, wishing that he would take that stupid  
>iron glove once in a while. 

Crow: Alexandre Dumas this isn't.  
Joel: It's barely even Leonardo DiCaprio.  
Tom: (singing) I wanna hold you gaunt-gaunt-gauntlet...

 

>Sandra was sitting there with a sad expression on her face.

Mike: There? There? How about there?  
Crow: Take off your mask!  
Joel: [Sandra] "Man, Ally McBeal wasn't even nominated as best  
comedy! The world is just so rude!"  
Tom: Fortunately, she would soon shed her plain jane looks and dress  
like the rock bimbo of John Travolta's dreams....  
Joel: You're thinking of Sandra DEE, Tom.  
Tom: Well... would you rather I think of Sandra Bernhard?

 

>"What is troubling thee, milady?" Frog asked.  
>"Nothing," Sandra said. "I just had a mental parasite that made  
>gave me a severe case of depression. 

Mike: The maid gave you that parasite? Here I always thought  
the butler did it!  
Tom: [Frog] "Ooh, really? Dinner's coming up!"  
Joel: Well, for that he'd need to stick his tongue into her ear...  
All: Eww!!

 

>The parasite is gone, but the effects are still there, but not  
>as bad."

Crow: Well, next time cook your pork all the way through!  
Mike: And remember, DON'T eat raw cookie dough. Paid for by the  
Overprotective Parents Against Fun

 

>"............Parasite?" Magus asked.  
>"Yes. My parents had it, too, and it killed them."

Joel: Anyone else having an "Aliens" flashback?

 

>"......"  
>"But, fortunately, Akira was able to find and destroy it before  
>I fell prey to it."

Tom: Nope, now it's sounding like "Innerspace", Joel.  
Mike: Did she use Monistat-3 or Monistat-7?

 

>"Are you saying that Akira is psychic?" Rei asked.

Joel: [Akira] "I knew you were going to ask that... Hey, I  
guess I am!"  
Crow: No, we're saying Tetsuo is psychic. Pay attention!  
Tom: [Akira] "Hey, I'm no one's sidekick!"

 

>"Yes," Akira replied. "Not only am I a psychic/telekinetic,

Joel: She's also a client?

 

>I'm also the best Ninja in the world apart from Koban."

Tom: In that case, Sho Kosugi has a bone to pick with you.  
Mike: Apart from? Does that mean the catman's Siamese  
brother is better?

 

>"How did you turn into a cat, Koban?"

Mike: Blame Magus, again.  
Joel: [Koban] "A bit too much mutagen."  
Tom: [Koban] "I was once a powerful wizard until my house boy  
tricked me into eating an enchanted cookie... I knew I should  
have killed him on his seventeeth birthday instead!"

 

>"I'm the direct result of a failed experiment in genetic  
>engineering," Koban explained. "Four years ago, 

Joel: [Koban] "I worked with the Scots to help them to  
clone animals. As a gag, they made me eat off of a  
petri dish. Those darned haggis-eaters!"

 

>a group of genetic engineers were trying to create the  
>ultimate Ninja. 

Crow: And since Lee Majors moved on to be the Fall Guy,  
they had to pick this poor schmuck.  
Tom: [Koban] "Why? Well, to extort funding from the world's  
major governments! Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?"

 

>So they took a sample of the DNA of the greatest Ninja master  
>in the world, and that of his best student. They combined it  
>to see if they could create a better Ninja.

Joel: But since learned skills have NOTHING to do with  
chromosomes, they decided to just turn him into a cat.  
Crow: And thus the Samurai Pizza Cats were born!  
Tom: These scientists were influenced heavily by Ptolemy's  
writings.  
Mike: And here I thought it was one tequila worm too many.

 

>But there was a mistake made. 

Mike: Dr. Pierre Lamarck had to go back over his  
calculations.  
Tom: [Dr. Frink] "Oops, forgot to carry the one."

 

>The student's cat left a hair in the DNA, and, 

Crow: [Koban] "We couldn't find the lint brush in time."

 

>when the DNA was put into the recombiner and artificially  
>aged, they ended up with me:

Crow: Nine zany ounces of Roquefort cheese!  
Tom: But was it cask-aged or barrel-aged?

 

>the ultimate Ninja... cat. As a by-product of the genetic  
>tomfoolery, 

Joel: There's MANY more statutes on the US Code concerning  
ethics of science.

 

>I ended up with the ability to shoot fire out of my hands."

Joel: Yeah, now THAT'S based in science too!  
Mike: Especially if he picks a Fire Flower first.  
Tom [Koban]: "And if I get my hands on a leaf, I grow  
a different tail!"

 

>"So, you're a mutant?" Ami asked.  
>"Yes."  
>"What's Erick's story?" Rei asked.

Tom: Betcha he's a genetic accident too.  
Crow: Or at least a genetic accident waiting to happen.

 

>"I come from the future." Erick said  
>"Big deal," Magus interjected. "We come from the past."  
>"Not I," Robo said.

Crow: [Magus] "But I didn't say 'I', I said 'we'."  
Mike: [Magus] "We were all stuck in a bomb shelter for  
centuries upon centuries!"  
Tom: This is starting to sound like a Fallout crossover.

 

>"I come from the year 2300, to be exact." Erick said.  
>"That is my time period also."

Tom: (singing) "If you're from 2300 and you know it, clap  
your hands... if you're from 2300 and you know it, clap  
your hands!"  
Crow: (singing) "That's my time period too... whenever we go  
out, the people always shout..."

 

>"My parents were killed by mutants while trying to get food. 

Mike: In that case, blame Koban and his spawn.  
Joel: It was a rather nasty accident... Billy's parents  
were reaching for some cream of mushroom soup, and forgot  
to check for shopping carts coming the opposite direction.  
Crow: Yeah, I hear those Supermarket Sweeps can be messy.

 

>While trying to find them, I stumbled upon a strange door.

Crow: [Billy] "It said, 'Employees Only'."  
Joel: We now take you back to the Drawing of the Three...

 

>I used my expertise in explosives to blow open the door,  
>and found a strange hole. I entered it, and found myself here,  
>3 years ago."

Crow: I met this white rabbit that kept bitching about being late  
but this blonde chick chased him away....  
Tom: Five arrests and three trials later...  
Joel: Why'd you have to remind the author about these characters  
anyway?  
Tom: I didn't think it'd get THIS tedious!

 

>Magus drew a picture of a strange crest on a piece of paper and showed  
>it to Erick. "It wouldn't happen to look like this, would it?"

Mike: [Erick] "No, I believe it was tartar control."  
Tom: That man's got a future in composite sketches.  
Crow: I hear he signed as a free agent to "America's Most Wanted".

 

>"Yes! Exactly like that!"  
>"Well, here," Magus handed Erick a pendant. "This makes it *much*  
>easier to open the doors."

Crow: [Erick] "Wow, a new blasting cap!"  
Joel: [Magus] "You're not supposed to blow it up!"  
Tom: [Magus] "Or you could just yell 'Open Sesame!', whatever turns you  
on."

 

>"Oh. I wouldn't want to go home. I had nothing to live for. My  
>girlfriend was killed by robots when we were looking for food.

Mike: [Erick] "That'll teach her to get robot rump roast."  
Crow: Silver Sharks forever! Woohoo!!  
Tom: Never get between a robot and his food.

 

>The odd thing is, Sandra only happens to be my Girlfriend's  
>great-great-great-grandmother!"

Mike: Meaning that Erick, for revenge, will completely burn his old  
girlfriend's genes. Whatta guy.  
Tom: Coincidence? Read the book.

 

>"Guess what? You kill Lavos, and none of that happens."  
>"Wait a minute, I happen to know something about mucking about in  
>time. 

Joel: Him and Q had a brief but bitter affair.  
Mike: Flyfishing in the fabric of space and time... they caught a lot  
of tachyons, that's for sure.

 

>If we kill Lavos, won't I never have been born?"  
>"Uhh... Yeah, you would have been born, just in a better world,

Crow: A material world, and you would be a material girl.  
Joel: And what a wonderful world it would be.  
All: (characters, singing) "We are the world... we are the future..."

 

>and I don't suppose you would make the trip here, but, no mutants in  
>2300 AD."

Tom: Sorrrrrryyy, Koban. Goool-gul!

 

>Sandra decided to change the subject. "When I was infected by the  
>parasite, I tried to kill myself by going to the desert without food  
>or water."

Mike: [Sandra] "I rode a horse with no name, if I recall..."  
Crow: [Sandra] "Unfortunately, I hit an oasis every ten miles. Just my  
luck."

 

>"That's nothing. Crono *was* Killed."  
>"WHAT?" Crono said.  
>"And he doesn't remember!"

Tom: Another case of a corpse developing Alzheimers....  
Joel: [Marle] "But watch this when I shine a flashlight in his eyes."  
Crow: [Crono] "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
Mike: [Lucca] "Well, actually it was a doll of Crono that got fried. But  
we use that story to impress the yokels."

 

>"Anyway," Sandra said, desperate to return to the subject, "For some  
>reason, my body ended up fusing to the sand. 

Joel: [Author] "Because... because... uhh... it just did, 'kay?"  
Mike: [Sandra] "That's the last time I take an acetylene torch with me  
into the desert!"  
Tom: [Sandra] "It was almost like I was... quickly sinking into the  
sand! Yeah, I was trapped by that whatchamacallit quick sinking sand  
stuff!"

 

>As a result, I can turn my body into sand, make my skin as rough as  
>sandpaper, and attack my enemies with a sandstorm. 

Crow: [Sandra] "They also call me when a bridge needs its paint  
stripped off."  
Tom: [Sandra] "Rub me all over your deck for a smooth professional  
finish."

 

>That's why people call me 'SandStorm,' in fact!"  
>"So," Rei questioned again, "What's *your* story, Billy?"

Joel: [Billy] "I'm Billy and I wanna be a hero!"  
Tom: Here's hoping he says "To Build a Fire".

 

>"My parents were a human and a monster," Began Billy, "who met in a  
>monster village, and shortly after I was born, the village was  
>destroyed by humans. 

Tom: [Rei] "But I thought Mink starred in Dragon Half!"  
Joel: Proving who the real monsters were in the end.  
Mike: [Billy] "Beastor and Chuckie sold us out to Mr. Hinkle!"

 

>I was left with a magical sword and some black magic, and I  
>grew up to be a good swordsman. Oh, and call me KnightShade,  
>okay?"

Joel: [Billy] "It's better than my first name, WindowShade..."  
Tom: [Billy] "Cause, you see, 'Billy' always got me beat up in grade  
school and KnightShade sounds all dark and cool and stuff..."

 

>"So, what are your abilities, ladies?" Koban asked.

Mike: [Mina] "I can name all forty-eight states!"  
Tom: [Rei] "I can stick forks into light sockets!"  
Joel: [Lita] "I have the power to brood over men I shouldn't brood  
over anyway"  
Tom: [Ami] "I can calculate the amount of dark matter in the universe!  
No really!"  
Crow: [Koban] "Uggh, sorry I asked..."

 

>The senshi told him of their powers, how Mina could fire  
>Crescent-shaped beams of energy, Ami could attack her enemies with  
>bubbles and freeze them, 

Tom: For easy storage in any convenience store refrigeration unit.  
Joel: [Ami] "I'm the Selling Wizard!"  
Mike: [Koban] "Okay, Ami's out! How about you, Cow-Tails?"

 

>Rei could shoot fire and ward off evil spirits, Lita could summon  
>Lightning and fire it at her opponents, and how Serena could  
>obliterate an enemy with her Moon Scepter.

Crow: And with this much firepower, they should *theoretically* be able  
to take on any third world country.  
Tom: [Robo] "Hey, you're Itsuko Pappadopolous!"  
Mike: [Rei] "Shh, I'm undercover right now!"

 

>\----

Crow: Okay, there's the dashes... now where are the boulders?  
Joel: Holding an avalanche in Rockford's honor?  
Crow: Ahh

 

>Later that night...

Mike: Koban, Billy, and Magus are caught as they plan a panty raid  
on the women's compound.  
Joel: [Koban] "Whew... okay... now what is it YOU can do, Sailor  
Starmaker?"

 

>Everyone except for Crono and KnightShade was in bed. Serena and Ayla  
>were snoring loudly, which was giving Marle nightmares.

Mike: [Marle] "Edgar! Stop it with the drill! No... not the  
chainsaw!!"  
Tom: She shouldn't know about that!  
Mike: It's just a fanfic, you really should just relax.

 

>"Can't... Stand it..." She said. Then she screamed.  
>In the next room, KnightShade was reading the comics section of the  
>news paper. 

Tom: Billy likes things with pictures on them.  
Joel: [Billy] "Hey! What happened to The Far Side and Wizard of Id?!"

 

>He laughed and said, "That Garfield cracks me up! Hey, what was  
>that?"

Crow: Binky being shot in the alley?  
Tom: The sound of a package being stamped for Abu Dhabi?

 

>He and Crono rushed into the room where the girls were sleeping,  
>and were blasted by the loud snoring. Together, Serena and Ayla's  
>snoring packed quite a wallop! 

Joel: But it was disqualified in the fourth round for a low blow.  
Crow: Sounds closer to low brow.  
Tom: Though it paled in comparison to the chainsaw that is Ami  
Andersen.

 

>KnightShade rolled Ayla over onto her side, and got a punch in  
>the stomach for his trouble.

Mike: From Akira?  
Joel: [Akira] "How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?"  
Crow: [Billy] "Sure!"

 

>"Oh well, at least she's on her side."  
>Magus was awake, looking out of the window at the moon. "I can feel  
>you, Lavos," he said, 

Tom: [Moon] "TRY LOOKING LOWER!"

 

>"and you can feel me... Awaking is so sweets, is it not? Soon,  
>Lavos, very soon..."

Joel: I thought parting was sweet sorrow, not 'awaking'.  
Crow: Well, not according to Willem vanShakeyspare here...

 

>Lita was also talking in her sleep. "Ohh, Tommy... You really want  
>me back? ...Of course I'll accept your hand in marriage..."

Joel: I wonder if Lita can feel him near her?  
Mike: [Lita] "But I'd rather have it as a trophy, to all the  
men who'd still like to date me..."  
Crow: Wonder how many "Tommys" she meets in Tokyo, JAPAN, anyway.

 

>"Talking in her sleep."  
>"But Shadow,... I beat you fair and square!" This from Koban.

Joel: [Koban] "Now, where's your sense of fair play, Alec?"  
Tom: Two snorers, three people talking in their sleep... a  
psychologist would have a field day with this group.  
Crow: [Freud] "Annnd... ezzactly how long haff you had zis  
deluzzion of being, os you zay, a zailor zzcout?"

 

>"What do you mean, FAILED?" Ami.  
>"Will these interruptions never cease?" Magus said, slightly  
>peeved at the disruptions to his concentration.

Mike: He should be more peeved at the fact that this scene hasn't  
ended YET.  
Tom: [Magus] "They're wasting my acting prowess!"

 

>"Grandpa, I told you never to come in when I'm doing a fire reading."  
>Rei.

All: ... ... ... SAID. Rei SAID.  
Crow: [Grandpa] All right, already! Come on, Igor, we're not  
appreciated here!  
Joel: Wrong Grandpa, Crow.

 

>"Whatta ya mean my series is canceled? I'm a hit! 

All: [chorusing] "Yes, Ms. Drescher. We know, Ms. Drescher."

 

>Sailor Moon? She's gonna replace me? Who the heck is Sailor Moon?  
>Sailor V rules!" Mina.

Joel: So what, all Japanese people talk in their sleep? Isn't that  
an ethnic slur?  
Tom: [Mina, singing] "'Cause I am the champion, my friends..."  
Mike: [Mina] "And the original Bubblegum Crisis is the only TRUE  
Bubblegum Crisis! I mean, a *blond* Nene?!? Come on!"

 

>"Darien... what do you mean, 'over?'"  
>Serena. 

Mike: [Serena] "I wanted them sunny-side up!"  
Crow: Hey, she was supposed to be snoring! I call no fair!  
Joel: If only the author gave these girls interesting neuroses, like  
a touch of megalomania or submissive/dominative tendencies...

 

>"You little pink-haired brat! Get back here!"

All: NO! STAY AWAY!  
Tom: [Serena] "Damn you Utena! You stole my director!"

 

>\----

Tom: No, no, just three lines or we'll be arrested for an illegal  
gathering!  
Crow: Someone get that hair off of the lens!

 

>Meanwhile deep under the earth, a huge, strange creature had paused in  
>its long ascent to the surface, listening, afraid.

Joel: [Professor Hardwigg] "Man, I didn't know this journey would be  
so long!"  
Crow: [Henry] "Hang in there, Uncle, a few more miles to go!"

 

>"Grr... Noo! Get away! I'll kill you just like your sister! Aaahhh!  
>Noooooo...."

Crow: Yay! Get ALL of the Jacksons! Go after Tito next!  
Tom: The Greek god Cronos must be having a bad dream.  
Joel: Someone should tell the senshi to lay off the hookah for a while.

 

>====

All: (singing) "The erasers come marching two-by-two, hurrah,  
hurrah..."  
Crow: Hey, it's the suicide lane!

 

>I hope you enjoyed reading Sailor Trigger, part 1: a Wrong Turn as  
>much as we enjoyed writing it. 

Crow: Well, if it charbroiled your soul and panfried your brain, then  
yes.  
Mike: Man, what a relief... I thought that thing would never end.  
Tom: Stay tuned for Sailor Trigger, part 2: Severe Tire Damage!

 

>Thank you, and good night.

Joel: Don't forget to gratuitize your servant!  
Crow: And tip him too!  
Joel: Right! Wait a minute....

 

>Greetz go out to Alanis_Hunter_K, CapnAhab, 

Crow: Alanis_Hunter_K! Hunting wild Alanises before they strike  
for over ten years!  
Mike: ...Queequeg, Starbuck, and the rest of the crew!  
Tom: [Koban] "Hey man, catch that whale yet? Heh heh..."

 

>Claud, CyberSled, Edge64, EvelSizor, Evolver, FuzzBuster, Garjon,  
>Genji, GrImp, JohnRisser, King_Giott, ]{ipi, KnightShade, 

Joel: [Koban] "Thanks for coming up with such great backstories,  
man! Couldn't've done it without you!"  
Tom: Nobody does light comedy better than JohnRisser!  
Mike: And extra special thanks to Jerry Mathers, just for being the  
Beaver.

 

>Lukka, Magus9X, Mecha, MentalMan,

Mike: That's what we're going, man.  
Tom: MentalMan? Isn't that Ed Grimley?

 

>Ranko, Ranma`Saotome, Ryoga, Sheex, SirGolbez, SOM2Freak,  
>SouL-CrusheR, Suky, WhiteMage.

Crow: If only "greetz" was a slang word for "letterbombs".  
Mike: As long as I'm thanking the whole world wide web, I'd like to  
thank a guy I know named Earl....

 

>PS. Never fear, Sailor Koban the Ninja Kat is here!  
>Warning: If you don't pay attention, you're head will explode like  
>that one guy in "Fist of the North Star" and about 7 other guys in the  
>same film.

Tom: Sounds more like a disclaimer to me.  
Crow: Actually, it sounds like a warning that's meant for YOU, Tom.  
Tom: Hey!

 

>"You must think my head zips up the back!"

Mike: In that case, your fly is open!

 

>Is this Hematite guy a general, or just a fancy name for a bloodstone?

Mike: A new drug from Pfizer?  
Joel: My guess is a juror for Judge Brainitite.  
Crow: And the fic degenrates down to random musings... I like it!

 

>It's just that I keep having this dream in which someone calls me  
>that...

Tom: You mean you're never mistaken for the Cat in the Hat?  
Crow: Man, I'm glad this thing's over.  
Joel: Let's hit the kitchen, I think there's some RAM chips left...  
Crow: Really? Let's go!  
[A crackle from the ceiling, and...]  
Dr. F: Not so fast, Fearing-some Foursome... I have another part to  
deliver to you!  
Joel: Hey, Magic Voice! That's not funny!  
Dr. F: This won't be either, Joel. Keep it rolling, Frank!

 

>Sailor Trigger  
>Part 2 - the Time of Dread

Crow: Aptly named chapter.  
Mike: You got that right, I don't think I can take much more of this.  
Joel: Now I wish it WAS Magic Voice pulling our legs.  
Magic Voice: I could never do that to you, Joel.  
Joel: Well, at least we can count on some things in this world, guys.

 

>A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger crossover fanfic by Sailor Koban  
>TNK(Koban.tnk@prostar.com)

All: Yes, yes, we've heard it before!  
Tom: (whistles the theme to Popeye)  
Joel: [Koban] "C&C and spinach are welcome!"

 

>With help from KnightShade(debracras@tislink.net) and  
>Suky(odonnell@wvi.com).

Joel: Koban named his F1 key "Suky"?  
Tom: And the little Word paperclip was Knightshade.

 

>Legal notes:  
>Chrono Trigger, and all characters derived from it are the property of  
>Square co., and are used without permission.

Tom: Aww, they're too busy making movies to notice anyway.  
Crow: [Author] "So there! Hmph!"

 

>Sailor moon, and all characters derived from it are the property of  
>Naoko Takeuchi, and are also used without permission.

Mike: This is not an officially licensed broadcast of Major League  
Baseball.  
Joel: No copies may be made without the express drawn consent of Ms.  
Takeuchi.

 

>Red Dragons, and all characters derived from it are the property of  
>the author, and are used with permission.

Crow: [Koban] "Imagine my surprise when my initial response was 'no'..."  
Joel: [Koban] "I just pray that I can do justice to my creations and  
write as close to my canon as possible."

 

>Story notes:

Tom: Sponsored by 3M! Science, industry, technology... all this and  
Post-Its too!  
Crow: [Story] "I hope you enjoy me immensely but if I suck, remember  
I'm at the whim of the author. I am the Mr. Bill to the author's Mr.  
Hand...."

 

>This story takes place on the world described in Chrono Trigger. For  
>those familiar with the game, the land is similar to that shown in  
>1999 AD.

Joel: For those of you unfamiliar with this world... were you really  
planning on going back over what we covered so far?  
Mike: For those of you unfamliar with 1999 AD, it's kinda like Fallout  
2\. For those of you unfamilar with Fallout 2, it's somewhat resembles  
'Escape from New York'. For those unfamilar with 'Escape from New  
York'....

 

>For the senshi, this story takes place sometime between "Treed" and  
>"Serena times two" in the Sailor Moon R series.

Joel: The score in this series is three games to two, with Sailor  
Moon holding the advantage. This is Joe Morgan in the booth...

 

>If any characters seem to be out of character, it is entirely my fault  
>for not knowing quite enough about them.

Tom: [Koban] And YOUR fault for not giving me C&C! So c'mon, folks,  
get it in!  
Crow: This is the fortieth hour of the telethon, and still no  
replies...

 

>\----

Mike: If fine lines were like fine wines...  
Joel: This would be a Mad Dog 20/20. Thank you.

 

>The next morning, the Senshi, the time travelers, and the Red Dragons  
>decided to go to Bangor for a sightseeing tour. 

Tom: Bangor? Maine?  
Mike: Meanwhile, the cheese stood alone.  
Crow: [Mina] "But we were lookin' to snowmobile and four-wheel! Take  
us to the north-country, eh?"

 

>They passed an ice cream store, and...  
>"Rei can I borrow some GP to get some ice cream?" Serena asked.  
>"No," replied Rei, "We should save our GP."

Joel: [Rei] "I'm planning on investing in a diverse portfolio of oil  
options and utilities."  
Tom: Should've just taken investment advice from Robo and Erick.

 

>"Come on, Rei!"  
>"I said 'no!'"

Tom: [Serena] "Give into the peer pressure, babe! Next, we can go  
on coke runs and maybe pimp out the rest of the Senshi!"  
Crow: Next time on a very special 'Sailor Moon'....

 

>"But-" THWACK! Rei slaped her upside the head. Serena fell backwards  
>and started bawling.

Crow: She was tether-bawling, actually.  
Joel: Boy, this 'fic's really getting to poor Rei.  
Tom: Imagine what Rei would do if it was more serious than just asking  
for some money...  
Mike: I'm all in favor of stopping Whiny Moon, but this is a bit much.

 

>"Crying like a child," Magus said partly to himself.

Mike: More like tears of a clown.  
Crow: ...partly to the boys in the back and partly to the man upstairs.

 

>"Why does everybody hate meee?" Serena whined.

Tom: [Serena, singing] "Don't cry for me, Argentina..."  
Joel: All this over *ice cream*.

 

>"Because you're weak!" Magus shouted. "And Lavos eats the weak! 

Joel: [Serena] "Does he start with Monday?"  
Crow: [Magus] "He also eats huddled masses yearning to breathe free!"

 

>Shape up while you can!"  
>"I just wanted some GP for ice cream!"

Mike: [Magus] "And when I say shape up, that doesn't mean a sphere!"

 

>"Then fight a monster!"

Tom: Better take Lita with you, Serena. She's got experience.  
Crow: [Serena] "But I didn't say I wanted cookies, I want ice cream!"  
Joel: Fight a monster, get some ice cream. It's the anime way!

 

>Serena got up and walked away from the town, grumbling.

Mike: [Serena] "Razzin' frazzin'..."  
Joel: [Serena] "I'll show them! I'll walk all the way to New  
Hampshire by myself!"

 

>\----

Crow: It's the cast of "A Chorus Line!"  
Mike: This fic's definately got the minus touch.

 

>Serena went into the forest just west of Bangor to have some time to  
>herself. 

Joel: [Serena] "Whose woods are these, I think I know...."  
Tom: She's taking the road less traveled.  
Crow: [Serena] "Wait a second, what am I doing?! I once got lost in a  
*closet*!"

 

>She walked along thinking until something hit her leg. She  
>looked down and saw a basketball-sized green creature with a large,  
>toothy mouth.

Mike [Serena]: "Oscar the Grouch? How'd you get here?"  
Tom: [Oscar] "I smelled some Luna on you, and a bit of Artemis. Take  
me to your cats!"  
Joel: Wrong Oscar, man.  
Tom: Heh...

 

>The RolyPoly growled.  
>"Moon... Crystal... Power!" Serena shouted, transforming into her  
>abbreviated sailor Fuku. 

Joel: So, her salr.fku.  
Mike: Essentially.  
Tom: She *became* her outfit?  
Crow: [Serena] "Quickly, Rei! Wear me and I'll give you the powers of  
the moon! Wait! No, don't give me to Darien! NOOOOOO!!!"

 

>Serena pulled out her Moon Scepter. Swinging it, she said, "Moon..  
>Scepter... Elimination!" The scepter shot out thousands of tiny  
>sparkles at the RolyPoly.

Crow: An awfully long way to go for photography.  
Mike: [Serena] "You'd be perfect for my next motivational poster!"  
Joel: [Serena] "Like my technique? I learned it from multiple viewings  
of 'Bring It On!'"

 

>The sparkles passed harmlessly through the RolyPoly. It bit Serena's  
>leg, and she screamed in pain.

Tom: [laughing] Well, *that* accomplished a lot...  
Joel: Looks like someone will need another tetanus shot.  
Crow: Then it bit her knee and she screamed in agony. Then it bit her  
thigh and she screamed in discomfort. Then....

 

>"Get off my leg, you weird little ball-thingy!"

Crow: [Serena] "I like you as a friend! And this is a PG fic!  
EEEK!"  
Tom: When Popples go bad.

 

>\----

Joel: Is it me or are these scenes getting shorter and shorter?  
Tom: I avoided the lines by dealing with a scalper.

 

>Koban, who happened to be in the woods meditating at the time, 

All: HOW CONVENIENT.  
Mike: [Koban] "HMMMMM.... Ohwhatshouldtheplotbenow.... OOHHMMM...."

 

>heard Serena screaming and ran towards her. He grabbed the  
>RolyPoly and killed it with his bare hands. He then bandaged  
>Serena's leg. 

Joel: This fanfic sponsored by Ace Bandages! Wrapping up  
wounds and Lon Cheneys for over a century!  
Tom: Man, Koban's just tearing through this scene like a hot knife  
through butter!  
Crow: [Koban] I'm too good to waste a fight scene with a RolyPoly!

 

>A sweat drop rolled down the back of Serena's head as she said,  
>"I'd better learn to fight, this is pathetic!"

All: (humming "Eye of the Tiger")  
Crow: So much for passive resistance.

 

>Koban was about to reply, "You're right, you can't even handle a  
>RolyPoly," but he decided not to. 

Mike: Because, at that moment, he felt an itch in his nose that  
needed his utmost attention and a finger or two!  
Joel: Instead, he said, "You suck. Just go find a corner to hide  
in while the REST of us try to save humanity, load."

 

>He was not terribly compassionate towards most people, but he was not  
>a cruel man.

Tom: Nope, he's the ultra-sensitive new-age protagonist cat!  
Crow: Not "cat", "kat".  
Tom: Right, of course, how could I forget?  
Joel: [Koban] "I AM NOT A BARBARIAN! I AM A SENSITIVE MALE THAT NEEDS LOVE!!!" 

 

>\----

Mike: Sailor Trigger. The only fic that DARES to write sentence  
breaks!  
Tom: Looks like somebody was playing Load Runner recently....

 

>Meanwhile, back at the tour of Bangor...

Joel: [tour guide] "Umm, here's the McDonald's... and if you  
look everywhere else, you'll see pine trees. Thank you for touring  
beautiful Bangor, Maine."

 

>"And this is the main control panel for the dome shield." The tour  
>guide droned.

Crow: [the guide] "Please don't touch it, or we'll all die horribly  
painful and/or violent deaths. Now, over here we have..."

 

>"So... Boring... ZzzzZz... Huh? Wha?" Mina drowsed.

Mike: If she can't stay awake while *walking*, what chance do we have  
*sitting*?

 

>"Who's idea was it to tour the city's security system, anyway?" Lita  
>grumbled.

Crow: [Marle] "Well, when someone said 'security', I thought guards!"  
Joel: May we rephrase the question? Whose idea was it to pad the fic?

 

>Lucca paused in her examination of the control panel and said, "I  
>happen to enjoy learning about complex technological systems."

Tom: [Lucca] "I watched 'Virtuosity' eighteen times to boot!"

 

>"So do I," Ami said, "But I don't interrupt everyone's schedule with  
>it."

Crow: [Lucca] "Oh yeah? Then YOU try to build a gun with tenth-century  
parts!"  
Tom: [Ami] "Sure! Once you figure out how you can BITE ME!"  
Crow: [Lucca] "Mrroww!"  
Tom: [Ami] "Ffft!"

 

>Everything was good and boring until Serena stumbled in, tripped over  
>a loose floor panel and hit the guard robot's control panel. 

Mike: We're on a collision course with zanyness!

 

>The 12-foot tall robot made some strange scrambled noises, then  
>scooped up a couple of people and started juggling while singing a  
>part from Wagner's "*the Ring Cycle,*" 

Tom: ...since Serena *obviously* hit the "juggle while singing Wagner"  
button on the control panel.  
Crow: Well, it was a special option to keep the kids entertained while  
major actions were taking place.

 

>which would have created a very funny picture for an independent  
>observer. 

Joel: However, the U.N. observers were not to be moved.  
Mike: Nor was Brain Guy.  
Tom: [U.N. inspector] "What does this have to do with a free vote?"

 

>Koban entered the room and, seeing the robot singing and juggling,  
>managed to stop himself from laughing long enough to say, "Looks  
>like we'd better take this thing off-line."

Tom: In that case, just take out its modem cord!  
Joel: He went through three hundred battle phrases before settling  
on that one.

 

>Five transformations and 12 weapon draws later...

Crow: [Magus]: "How the HELL did I end up in a skirt?"  
Tom: [Billy] "I don't know, but it feels strangely liberating..."  
Mike: [Rei] "I can't use a scythe! Help me!"

 

>Crono and frog ran toward the robot and simultaneously slashed their  
>swords at the robot when their paths crossed. 

Mike: Also known as the double seppuku slash.  
Tom: [Robo] "How come you guys have a grudge against me? What'd I do?"  
Crow: More senseless destruction of defenseless robots. The poor  
thing was PERFORMING for you, darn it!

 

>Immediately afterward, Ayla jumped and landed on the robot's head,  
>spinning like a drill. 

Joel: Hey! She stole that from Mega Man 3!  
Tom: This ain't Shadow Man, Ayla!

 

>All three of them were surprised that the robot had apparently not  
>taken any damage.

Mike: [Billy] "How do you know it didn't take any damage?"  
Tom [Frog] "We didn't see any white numbers flash in front of it!"  
Crow: Go robot! Fight the oppressors!

 

>"Mars... Fire... Ignite!" Rei shouted, firing a fireball at the robot.  
>The fireball richocheted off of the robot's skin and headed right back  
>at her. 

Joel: Number Ten Express, serving Rei, the robot, and Rei and all  
points between!  
Tom: (chanting) "Ro-BOT! Ro-BOT! Ro-BOT!"  
Crow: Yay!

 

>Robo quickly removed her from the fireball's path. 

Crow: Traitor! You're letting the human scum LIVE!  
Joel: Ahem?

 

>The 17 fighters threw everything they had at the robot, but to no  
>avail.

Tom: (singing) "There were seventeen fighters but nothin' on..."  
Mike: Why don't you throw a MAGNET?  
Joel: Why don't you have Jupiter surge it to death?

 

>"We've thrown everything at it but the kitchen sink!" Koban  
>shouted.

Crow: Aww man, don't tell me...

 

>Magus hurled a kitchen sink at the robot.

Mike: Sorry, buddy, they did it.  
Joel: [Koban] "Not our good sink, with the Price-Pfister faucets!"

 

>"I had to say it..."  
>"I had to do it," Magus responded.

Crow: Finally, someone who doesn't blame the poor Devil.  
Tom: So, if these seventeen people cannot beat up a defenseless  
robot, what chance do they have against the final boss?  
Joel: Bribery.

 

>The sink hit the robot and knocked open its head, thus exposing the  
>wiring inside. Akira telekinetically lifted Koban onto the robot's  
>head. 

Mike: When it started a-buckin' an' a-snortin' like a real steer  
would!  
Tom: [Koban] "Yee-HA! I gotta get me one o' deese mechanical bulls!"

 

>Koban cut the wires with his katana.

Joel: Whoops! There goes Akira's telekinesis.  
Tom: [Koban] "It's a good thing that cats land on their feet!"  
Crow: [Billy] "But you're a kat!"  
Tom: [Koban] "D'oh!"

 

>"Whoops! Cut the blue wire!"  
>The robot's eyes went dark, it made a coughing/hiccuping/wheezing  
>sound and it fell forward at the hips, until its body almost touched  
>the ground.

Mike: And stretch and two and three and four... work those joints!  
Tom: Yet, in his own sad way, the robot still kept reachin' for  
those stars...  
Crow, Tom: (singing) "A-ma-zing grace, how sweet the sound..."

 

>Erick looked at the robot and said to the tour guide, "You'd better  
>fix that. Someone could get hurt."

Crow: Like the poor robot, you heartless fiend! WAAAAHHHH!!  
Mike: [guard] "Oh, a wiseacre. In that case, here's a bill for the  
technology you damaged, you punk kids!"  
Joel: [Erick] "Umm... guys, what number has five commas?"  
Tom: [Koban] "A number we'll be working to until 3000 AD."  
Mike: Feel better with our skit, honey?  
Crow: *hic* I think so, Mike... *sniffle*  
Joel: Then how about we break for a bit, little buddy?  
Crow: O-okay...

 

\---Satellite of Love

Tom, Crow, and Mike all returned to the desk to wait for Joel and his  
idea. He said that it'd take him a couple minutes to put it together.  
Then, the three of them saw Gypsy in a catsuit (more like a rubber tube  
sock) and a pair of cat ears, along with whiskers.

"Whoa, hey, are we doing Failed Pickup Lines again?"

"No, silly," Gypsy replied, "We're having Koban Konvention I! Mrroww!"

Crow inquired, "Whatcha supposed to be, Gypsy?"

"One hundred percent catwoman!" came the answer.

"As opposed to katwoman?" Crow asked.

Tom shook his bubbledome. "She's got a great sense of irony, but she  
doesn't know it."

"Yeah..." Mike started. "Hmm, wait a minute..."

Joel came back from offcamera, dressed with fuzzy cat ears and a tail  
along with a painted face. "I'm Koban, and you MUST be superheroes!  
Go, get dressed in your costumes, and we shall share stories of our  
origins!"

The human and two bots rushed to the pile of clothes left to the  
side as Joel sidled up to Gypsy. "Hey baby, wanna purr all the way to  
my cat dish?"

"We already did Failed Pickup Lines, Joel!" Magic Voice accused.

Sheepishly, Joel responded, "Oh yeah... sorry!"

Meanwhile, the other three came back to the desk. Mike stepped  
forward, wearing a large foam cowboy hat, a yellow shawl, and a bad-  
looking belt. "I am... Coatimundi Man! I have been blessed with the  
sacred powers of the coatimundi due to the fact that I once stepped  
on one."

"And those powers would be...?" Joel trailed off.

"Uhh... I dunno, Tom and Crow never told me..."

"Err....great! Glad to have you!" Joel yelled, hitting Mike on the  
back. "If you'd like to bite something, we'd suggest the buffet  
table! And remember, the table itself isn't edible!" Mike shuffled  
off with his belt-tail held up. "And next... what are you, little  
boy?"

"Hello, mister!" Tom Servo squeaked. He was dressed in a garish  
white-sequined shirt and he attempted to put a pair of boxer shorts on  
his hoverskirt. "I'm here to be help and to have assist with  
everyone! I'm Split Infinitive Boy!"

"Oh wow, I see your powers already... I bet you talk down many a bad  
guy before he's about ready to commit a crime and annoy the rest, don't  
you little boy? How'd you get this way?" Joel asked.

"Too few grammar classes, I guess..." Tom replied.

"Well, off with you, you scamp!"

Tom made a whooshing sound. "Split Infinitive Boy! I'm here to the  
protect!" he called as he also made his way off-screen.

Meanwhile, Crow appeared from the side to speak with Joel/Koban. He  
had a suitcoat and a rumpled white shirt, along with a tie. His horn-  
rimmed glasses didn't seem to be on straight, either. "I, good sir,  
am the Noble Hostage!"

Joel rubbed his chin, and a few flecks of facepaint came off. "What  
is it that you do, Noble Hostage?"

"I cower in fear as the bank/convenience store/gas station that I'm  
currently in gets robbed. I can slither into any hiding spot, no  
matter how small it is, and my luck is the worst of all."

"How did you get like this, Noble Hostage?"

"I think it was that radioactive ant that bit me. No, couldn't be  
it, all I got from that was hives. That mutagen that spilled all over  
me? No, that cleared up with aloe vera..." Crow mused. "Maybe it was  
because I came from the planet Fraidus... no, that just gave me a bad  
rash when I came through the stratosphere... I'll come up with it, I  
promise..." Crow trailed off as he left in the same direction as the  
other two did.

Just then, the red light started flashing. "Yeah, sirs?" Joel asked  
as he hit the button.

\---Deep Thirteen

A figure with a LONG nose appeared on the screen. He was wearing a  
large backpack like one of the Ghostbusters, and there were three tubes  
intertwined on both his left and right arm. "Have room for another  
superhero? This has ALWAYS been my number-one dream!" Frank said  
happily.

"And you are?

"First, my powers! I have the power to spray soda in any direction I  
feel! I have the power to charge kids two dollars for liquid  
refreshment! You are talking to... THE SODA JERK!" Frank squirted  
some soda from his right arm-squirter into his mouth. "Mmm, rock-n-  
rye!"

"I'm... speechless," Joel stuttered.

"I am a secret to the ordinary run-of-man. But still, I carry on,  
the protection of poor defenseless people with a squirt of cream soda  
is my goal!" Frank aimed his left arm towards the monitor, and a  
bit of brown liquid came out. "Darn this pack, it's on the fritz..."  
Frank pounded on his backpack, and suddenly a large splash of the brown  
liquid sprayed all over the computer. Frank touched one of the  
keyboard keys, and tasted it.

"Aww crap, I got Coca-Cola all over the keyboard... hope Dr. F  
doesn't kill me! Where's the buffet, Joel?"

Joel looked thoughtful, and then his eyes gleamed. "Well, if you  
bring us down to Earth, Frank, you can have some..."

"Okay, just a second..." Frank tapped on the keyboard, but to no  
avail. "Come on, you stupid keyboard, work for me! Come on, I'm your  
friend, aren't I?"

 

Just then, the satellite's lights started flashing and the satellite  
itself shuddered.

"Oh no, you hit the wrong key! We've got FIC SIGN!" Joel/Koban  
yelled.

==

One more part to go... will anything interesting happen? Yeah, you're  
probably right, but have some faith! "Z"


	3. Chapter 3

MSTing of "Sailor Trigger" by Scott "Zoogz" Jamison  
Part Three of Three

 

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
bottom)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you  
inside)

 

(Mike, wearing his huge hat, entered the theater carrying Tom. Tom was  
placed in the fourth seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him.  
After that was Joel who still had cat ears, and Crow sat in the far  
right seat.)

Mike: And he could've provided our beverages...

 

>After what was referred to as "the RolyPoly-Robot incident," 

Tom: Life seemed a bit grayer, and Robo was never the same.

 

>Serena decided to learn to use the boomerang. 

Crow: The one she once won in the Surbrosia Dance Hall...  
Tom: [Serena] "I saw Crocodile Dundee do this once."  
Joel: [Xena] "No no no, it's called a 'chakram'."

 

>Her first few attempts were less than successful, resulting in quite  
>a few scratches and bruises. When she entered the house, Koban took  
>one look at her and said, "It's a good thing you haven't tried  
>learning with one of those edged boomerangs. 

Crow: Why? If she can't make it come back to her, it's not like she'd  
get hurt by it...  
Mike: For that matter, why didn't she just convert her Moon Scepter  
into a billyclub?  
Tom: Akira would've stole it from her in that case.  
Mike: Oh yeah.

 

>You probably would end up cutting off your hand. Or your head."

Joel [Koban]: "Or your left pinky toe. Or your ulna. Or your  
sternum."

 

>"Thanks for the support," Serena grumbled, and walked into her room.  
>"Baka," Koban said, then continued practicing his flute playing.

Tom: Gratuitous Japanese, from the kat who's all that!  
Crow: [Koban] "Man, this John Philip Sousa stuff is almost  
indecipherable! Ready on the drums back there, Sandra?"

 

>After about a week, Serena decided to find someone to teach her to  
>throw and catch correctly. 

Joel: Boy was SHE surprised when she hired Chuck Knoblauch!  
Tom: And here I was hoping it would be Mikado Sanzenin.

 

>She hired a combat trainer, Alex from Arris for 75 GP a lesson.

Mike: He had a sign that said "Will Work for Nothing".  
Tom: Naw, he just wanted to buy a dress from Stephen Tailor's shop.  
Crow: It's too bad that Arris died halfway through.  
Joel: Not Aerith, Arris.  
Crow: Oh yeah.

 

>"The problem with what you're doing, Serena," Alex said, "is that  
>you're holding the boomerang too close to the center. 

Tom: [Alex] "You have to give it negative axial spin while maintaining  
a forward momentum of over eighty-five meters per minute."

 

>Hold the end of the boomerang in your hand like so, keep your arm  
>straight, move the other arm out of the way, and swing your arm like  
>this. Good! Now, faster. 

Crow: [Serena] "Oh, I get it now... the object of this is to dislocate  
your arm."  
Mike: I'd yell "GET ON WITH IT" right about now, but I'm getting  
too lethargic.

 

>That's it! This time, when you reach the middle of your swing,  
>let it go. Perfect! Watch for it, and grab it out of the air...  
>Now!"

Joel: [Alex] "Now give it a razzamatazz spin, and a super-dilly  
whirl... you got it! That's swell! You're keen at doing this!"

 

>When Serena got home, she had only been hit once, 

Mike: Rei was in a restive mood.  
Tom: [Rei] "Ha-ha, no ice cream!" *thwack*

 

>when a RolyPoly distracted her by trying to bite her leg. After five  
>lessons, 

Joel: ...the MSTers had better form throwing jujubees and Milk Duds at  
the screen than Serena ever will.

 

>Serena had gained enough skill to be able to hunt monsters. 

Crow: [Serena] "Here, Pikachu... here, Pikachu... SOOOEEE!"  
Mike: That was after she refused Tira Misu's offer to hunt sorcerers.

 

>After fighting some RolyPolys, she learned how to throw her boomerang  
>so it would circle around her twice then return.

Joel: After losing ten or fifteen boomerangs, at least.  
Crow: [Serena] "Eat your heart out, Yuffie!"  
Tom: [Serena] "Cool! Now I just need to hone my mastery of the  
dijereedoo and I shall be the Queen of Australia!"  
Mike: Or at least a good Outback Steakhouse waitress.

 

>\----

Mike: As a stand-in, that line falls rather flat.  
Tom: If only they were painbreaks instead of linebreaks.

 

>When Serena returned to the house, she was absolutely ecstatic.

Tom: [Serena] "Darien! I finally found you!"  
Crow: [Ataru Moroboshi] "And I found you!"  
Tom: [Serena] "Get away from me, you letch!"  
Mike: Next week... on... the (sur)Real World.

 

>"I think I've learned a tech!"  
>"Really?" asked Marle. "What do you call it?"  
>"Round Return."

Joel: 'Cause "Rectangular Return" just didn't fit.  
Mike: [Serena] "This means that I'm at... what, level five?"

 

>Serena went to the training room and demonstrated her new tech to  
>everyone.

Crow: The hospitals ran out of beds the day Serena decided to pay  
back all who had wronged her.  
Tom: [Serena] "Who's whining NOW, Rei? Hmm??"

 

>"Big deal," Magus interjected, "you're still weak!"  
>The others made comments, but their words were lost on her.

Tom: [Serena, singing] "Where, o where have those little words  
gone?"

 

>\----

Tom: (singing) "Line, line, everywhere a line. Blockin' out the  
scenery, breakin' my mind."  
Joel: Live and in concert, the Four-Man Electrical Band!

 

>The next day Serena went back into the woods.

Mike: After cutting her teeth on the RolyPolys, she feels she's ready  
for the rodents of unusual size.  
Tom: [old man] "It's a smoocher! And she's on my propertay!"

 

>"I'll show that dirty Magus!" Serena grumbled to herself. "I'll kill  
>more monsters!"

Crow: [Serena] "I'll be even greater than Bellerophon!"

 

>She came upon a small bush, and heard movement within it.  
>"Here we go," Serena said, pulling out her boomerang.

Tom: And boy was she surprised when Alan Funt and a camera leapt out  
of that bush!  
Crow: I'm rooting for a game warden myself.

 

>The bush roared menacingly.

Joel: Serena! Never upset the gunner on the grassy knoll! You should  
know that by now!

 

>Serena turned pale. "Eep!"

Tom: And then she turned plaid.  
Crow: [Serena] "I gotta get out of here! I know... LUDICROUS SPEED!"

 

>Suddenly, a huge snake slid out of the bush. The huge mouth and  
>gnashing teeth were the obvious reason why experienced monster hunters  
>called these creatures "Gnashers." 

Mike: However, the local plumbing community prefered to call them  
'fetchers'.  
Tom: But after a Gnasher is caught, it is known as a pair of Sketchers.

 

>Serena didn't know this of course, so she freaked out as only she  
>could.

Joel: She turned into a blue-faced streak-haired weirdo?  
Crow: Don't forget the red tights.

 

>"EEEEEEEK! Giant Snake!" Remembering herself, she pulled her Moon  
>Scepter out to see if it would work on this creature. 

Tom: Well, it could turn him into a weresnake.  
Joel: Serena! Just pretend it's a snake-on-a-stick!

 

>"Moon... Scepter... Elimination!"

Crow: And with that, the Moon Scepter was no more.  
Tom: Well, at least that's truth in advertising...

 

>The Scepter shot out a cloud of pretty gold dust. 

Tom: Hey, check it out... Serena turned into Marleena!  
Crow: Woohoo!

 

>The dust quickly proved itself useless.  
>The Gnasher bit Serena on the leg.

Mike: The natural reaction of ANYTHING in the wild to Serena.  
Tom: Well, if there's enough dust in the air, it could work  
like Mercury's Shabon Spray.  
Joel: At least it'd get all the allergics mad.

 

>"Leggo my leg!" Serena shouted.

Crow: [Serena] "Have this Eggo instead!"

 

>"It too yummy!" the Gnasher growled.

Mike: Aww, man... he's supposed to be *eating* Serena's leg, now  
how can it talk?  
Tom: Much less the fact that it's a monster.  
Crow: And it talks like Ayla... likes tasting Serena's leg... anyone  
else drawing a conclusion?

 

>Serena's leg started gushing blood out of the large bite wound.  
>Serena decided to try again.

Joel: Because if she concentrates hard enough, she can get Nu Juice  
to gush out of her wound.  
Tom: [Gnasher] "Mmm, fruity!"

 

>"Moon... Scepter... Elimination!"

Crow: At this rate, she should name it the Moon Skeptical Elimination.

 

>The scepter flashed, and hurled out a puff of smoke. The small  
>flashing lights along the side of the large red bulb at the top blew  
>out. 

Mike: She popped a fuse!  
Tom: [Serena] "Umm, Mr. Gnasher sir? Can you give my scepter a jump?  
I have the cords..."

 

>Serena shook the scepter. It sounded like a burnt out light bulb.  
>The Gnasher then bit Serena in the chest. 

Crow: [Gnasher] "I feel in the mood for some spare ribs! Mmm-mmm!"

 

>Serena was losing a lot of blood and was stooping. She tried using  
>her boomerang attack. 

Tom: Which might've helped three paragraphs ago.  
Crow: [Serena] "Go get 'im, Eddie Murphy!"

 

>The boomerang hit the snake. It slithered back a few steps. When  
>the boomerang was about to hit the snake again, he ate it!

Joel: [Gnasher] "Urrp... needs barbecue sauce."  
Mike: So what, this snake is really an overgrown termite?

 

>Just when Serena thought that she was going to be seriously dead, she  
>felt a kiss on her forehead. 

Tom: Aww, the Gnasher's being nice and gentle before sucking out  
her cerebrum.  
Crow: [Serena] "Get off my head, Gene Simmons!"

 

>Suddenly, she got up. She had regained some of her energy. Ayla  
>appeared from out of the woods and looked at Serena.

Crow: See? It WAS Ayla!  
All: ...  
Mike: Who knew even perverts are right once in a while?

 

>"Ayla follow. Help friend."  
>"It's gonna eat me!" Serena said, pointing to the Gnasher. 

Joel: The squid-on-a-stick preservation society sent him, Serena.  
Tom: [Gnasher] "Ohh, no... cops."

 

>She kicked it in the head. The Gnasher quickly responded by biting her  
>in the butt.

Crow: [Serena] "Hey! That's a designated Tuxedo Mask-only location!"  
Joel: That Gnasher has some hellishly good reflexes. One moment, he's  
under a foot... the next, he leapt all the way up to a girl's  
derriere...

 

>"Perverted snake!"  
>Ayla picked Serena up and threw her onto the Gnasher. 

Mike: [Gnasher] "Yes!! Dinner!"  
Tom: Wouldn't a tree be easier to throw?

 

>Just before she landed, Serena pulled out a spare boomerang and hit it  
>in the head.

Tom: [Ayla] "Where you get that? I don't see pocket."  
Crow: [Serena] "Our little secret... tee-hee!"

 

>"GRAPH!" the Gnasher growled, and disappeared.

Joel: Graph?  
Tom: Would this be a bar, line, histo, timeplot, point, or double bar  
graph?

 

>"Anyone got an Ace bandage?" Serena asked no one in particular.

Mike: Again, this fic is sponsored by Ace Bandages! Wrapping injuries  
and Ukyou's breasts for almost a hundred years!  
Tom: Well, if you killed the snake, you could've used its skin to cover  
your wound.  
Joel: Eww.

 

>Serena and Ayla walked home, rather slowly.  
>"You almost die," Ayla reminded Serena.

Crow: [Ayla] "Next time, look both way before crossing street!"

 

>"I had him right where I wanted him!" Serena argued. "I need some  
>Neosporin."

Mike: This has more product placements than an afternoon matinee  
at the local theater.  
Tom: [Serena] "After that, I need a Band-Aid brand bandage, a Kleenex  
tissue, some Planters peanuts, a good can of RC Cola, and... *psst,  
director, what else?*"

 

>"Gnasher almost eat you. After eat boomerang, you next on menu."

Joel: [Ayla] "And Gnasher no give tip!"  
Tom: Today's special, at the Chez Serena...

 

>Serena rubbed where she had been bitten and winced. "That was one  
>perverted snake!"

Mike: Serena, the snake isn't going to go after bone, after all...  
Tom: Hey, at least that snake eats what it kills! Better than a  
certain RolyPoly exterminator we all know!

 

>\----

Joel: So that's what passes for action.  
Tom: The heck, we've gone over so many speedbumps that this might  
as well be a mogul course!  
Mike: Double-diamond, at that.

 

>When they got home, Koban examined Serena's wounds.

Tom: Spending a little extra time on her butt, I bet.  
Joel: [Koban] "What were you and Ayla doing in the woods, hmm?"  
Mike: Billy's waiting to cross-examine.

 

>"One casting of Cure 2 should heal those wounds, but you'll probably  
>end up with a slight scar on your butt. It's a good thing that Ayla  
>was there, or you'd be dead."

Tom: But doesn't she have the Ginzuisho?  
Crow: Well, nothing a little REVIVE spell couldn't handle...  
Mike: Life2, Crow, Life2. Know thy series.  
Crow: What-EVER.

 

>"Look, Koban," Serena said, "I don't need your criticisms."

Joel: [Serena] "After all, I'm not the one writing this."

 

>"I'm not criticizing. I'm just saying that there's no shame in running  
>if you meet a monster that's too big for you. 

Crow: Are we talking Sweetums size, or your run-of-the-mill Animal?  
Tom: [Serena] "But what if he's my pet monster?"

 

>Meanwhile, I'd invest in some form of armor if I were you."

Tom: [Serena] "But I look bitchin' in this skirt!"  
Crow: A fanfic that doesn't subscribe to the "less the girl is covered,  
the more protection she REALLY has" theory... wow.  
Mike: Either that or Akira's giving him thoughts again.

 

>\----

Joel: Man, Six Flags over Arlington didn't even have THIS many lines!  
Mike: Heck, Hamlet didn't even have this many lines.

 

>It was now the middle of May and Koban was meditating before a fire.

Tom: [Koban] "Oooohhhmmmm... thankyouGaryShandling....  
ooooohhhhmmmmm..."  
Crow: [Billy] "Wow... that time machine really went up in a puff of  
smoke, didn't it? Lemme guess, you guys had sidesaddle gas tanks?"  
Mike: [Lucca] "Worse... we had Firestone tires."  
Crow: [Billy] "That'll get'cha every time."

 

>Sitting next to him was Rei who was asking the fire to tell her of the  
>future. 

Joel: [Rei] "Lucky lotto numbers? How about just telling me where  
there's a winning ticket?"  
Tom: [Rei] "Are you SURE Chrysler stock will rise?"

 

>Koban looked at her, noting that she appeared to be in a trance, for  
>her eyes were rolled back into her head. 

Mike: No, that's just her look when she deals with Serena.  
Tom: Not only that, Koban crapped out... he got snake eyes.

 

>Suddenly, Koban stiffened, and his head was filled with voices. 

Crow: Sign that man up for Miss Cleo!  
Tom: But she does tarot cards.  
Crow: In that case, sign that man up for Dionne Warwick!

 

>They seemed familiar, yet displaced, as if he was receiving a very  
>faint signal on a radio.

Joel: Koban, you don't by chance wear braces, do you?

 

>The first voice sounded more like a cross between a high-pitched  
>whine, a gurgling noise, and a roar. Then he could make out voices.  
>Human voices.

All: [voices] "We're having a party in your mouth, and YOU'RE NOT  
INVITED! Hahahahaha!!"

 

>"Serena!... Her neck's been snapped, and all of her ribs are broken...  
>Can't you heal her?... She's too far gone... 

Mike: This week on Rescue... 9...1...1.  
Tom: [Koban] "Darn it, Cure 2 won't work. We'll have to resort to  
extreme measures, folks."  
Joel: [Billy] "No! Not... that!"  
Tom: [Koban]: "Yes, that. Get ready for... CURE 3!!"  
Joel: [Billy] "AAAHHHH!!"

 

>The same thing happened to Schala, and Crono couldn't heal her... If  
>you don't do something, I'll break her leg!... 

Crow: [Koban] "Oh... oh yeah? In that case, I'll... gnaw your finger!"  
Tom: EVERYONE has a fixation on Serena's legs in this fic.

 

>Put Sandra down! Breaking her leg won't bring Serena back, Lita...  
>Sandra!... Get her out, Lita!... You wouldn't help Serena, so why  
>should I help you?... 

Mike: If there's a more elegant way to foreshadow, I don't know what it  
is.  
Tom: [Lita] "God helps those that help themselves, Sandra!"

 

>Damn it, Lita!... No! I won't!..."

Crow: [Sandra] "Dammit, Lita, I'm not a doctor! I'm a fighter!"  
Joel: The White Mages picked a helluva time to unionize...

 

>Again he heard that strange roar/whine/gurgle. 

Joel: That's when you know it's time for Roto-Rooter.  
Tom: (singing) Buh-buh-buh-buh baby! Better call my plumber! He'll  
know what to do!  
Mike: Call now! We're in the Yellow Pages!

 

>The next thing he knew Sandra was shaking him. He looked in her eyes  
>and shouted, "No! You won't let her die! I won't let you!"

Crow: Naughty naughty kitty! You need your distemper shots!  
Tom: [Sandra] "He's always like this just after we get back from the  
vet's."

 

>"Koban!" Sandra said, waving a cup of tea under his nose. "Snap out of  
>it!"  
>"I had a... vision of the future."

Mike: [Koban] "There was a man named... Toblerone. And he wouldn't  
leave the Bronx."  
Tom: [Koban] "The IRS will send me a letter... and they'll tell me that  
since I'm an animal, I won't qualify for my tax rebate..."

 

>At the end of time, Spekkio, the guardian of magic, scoured the  
>vastness of time for disturbances in the magical web of history. 

Joel: He and his Brillo Pad really cleaned up the time continuum, yes  
indeedy.  
Tom: [Spekkio] "Oh, that nutty Carmen Sandiego. Will anyone *ever*  
catch you, you naughty scamp?"

 

>He viewed all the time zones, pre-day of Lavos 1999 last. Suddenly he  
>gasped.

Mike: [Spekkio] "What's *this*? This national broadcast feed doesn't  
have Eastern AND Pacific times!"  
Tom: [Spekkio] "Where did I leave my inhaler?" 

 

>"Where the hell did those gals come from?"  
>Spekkio examined each one's aura quickly.

Crow: [Spekkio] "Mina forgot one payment on her loan... Ami, however,  
hasn't overdrawn one account. Oh, wait... I wanted their auras, not  
their credit reports!!"  
Tom: You are what you charge.  
Mike: So true, my little friend.

 

>"What the hell is going on! I don't remember giving any of them magic!  
>That girl with the pigtails, she has the strongest will of them all,  
>and yet she possesses no magic. 

Joel: [Spekkio] "And if she has a nice enough cow, she'll get magic  
beans for the rest of time!"  
Tom: Hey guys, did you notice? The author didn't bother to linebreak  
this scene. For all we know, the end of time is right next to Koban's  
armpit.  
Mike: Too true.

 

>This is too rare to pass up, I'll soon change that!"

Joel: [Spekkio] "I'll open with... one no-trump!"  
Tom: Who's the dummy hand then?  
Joel: I'd say it, but she's had too much abuse through this whole  
story anyway.

 

>\----

Crow: You just HAD to mention something, didn't you Tommy?  
Mike: I'll have a key line pie, please...  
All: [groans]

 

>Meanwhile...

Tom: This just in... Miyuki-chan is STILL lost in Wonderland. More  
details when they become available!  
Crow: Now back to your regularly scheduled crossover.

 

>Serena was asleep, dreaming of Darien and cream pies. But that soon  
>changed.

Joel: Now she was dreaming of pies and cream Darien.  
Tom: Yuck, Joel.  
Mike: How about pies and cream Andrew?

 

>"Serena... Serena..."  
>Serena suddenly found herself in a strange, gothic-looking square. 

Crow: Serena is Julia Roberts in Mary Reilly II: The Search for  
Hyde's Gold!

 

>In the center was an 18th-century style lamppost, with an old man in  
>a heavy robe leaning against it, 

Crow: [man] "I say, ol' bean... 'ave you seen my partner Watson  
around? 'E 'as some vital information for me."

 

>sleeping and blowing bubbles out of his nose.

Mike: So he acts and sounds just like a bubble lawnmower.  
Joel: See kids, this is what happens when the bubble pipe is shoved  
too far into your mouth. Let this be a lesson!

 

>"Eww!" Serena said. "And they say *I'm* a heavy sleeper..."  
>"Come here, child..." the voice said, "Behind the door over there..."

Crow: [voice] "I have cookies and candy for you..."  
Joel: [Serena] "But I'm afraid you'll be the Zonk prize!"

 

>Serena entered the room and saw what looked like a small, white  
>panda bear with a brown face standing in the middle.

Mike: [Serena] "Mokona! You scared me!"  
Tom: [Mokona] "Puu!"

 

>"What are you staring at?" he asked Serena.  
>"I'm not sure yet. You're cute, but, what do you want with me?"

Crow: [Spekkio] "I'm looking for a leg to bite, and I heard  
yours is the tastiest of all."

 

>"I am Spekkio. I brought you here to help you."  
>"How is an albino panda supposed to help me?"

Joel: He's much more visible than a pink elephant, at least.  
Tom: Watch out... it could be a painted Genma just itchin' to  
teach the cat-fist to someone else!

 

>"My shape depends upon your aura."  
>"My aura's a panda? I always thought it would be a rabbit."

Mike: A VW Rabbit?  
Crow: [Spekkio] "Would you settle for a cabbit?"  
Joel: [Serena] "My aura SUCKS! I want a COOL aura, like a tiger, or a  
flaming death's head! Yeah!"

 

>"No, your aura is weak so I look weak to you."  
>"You wouldn't happen to know a guy named Magus, would ya?"

Tom: [Spekkio] "Magus Solomon! Of course! We get together  
every week at the Hello Deli and then we play a game of chess at  
Central Park!"

 

>"Yes. He was a rude one. When I told him he possessed Shadow magic,  
>he just gave me a look and said, 'well, duh!' 

Mike: [Magus] "Your name is Spekkio, not Spaz-io!"  
Tom: [Magus] "I knew that already, man... I already fixed Peter Pan!"

 

>Enough! Time to evaluate your character. Relax and close your eyes..."

Joel: [Spekkio] "And please put this on your arm. Remember, yes or  
no answers... is your name Serena?"  
Tom: [Serena] "Yes."  
Mike: BUZZ!!  
Joel: [Spekkio] "Look, sister... we can do this the easy way or the  
hard way."

 

>Serena did so. Spekkio's eyes narrowed and he stared at Serena.  
>Suddenly, a crescent moon appeared on her forehead, and her eyes  
>opened.

Joel: Man, this hypnotherapy works wonders, doesn't it?  
Crow: [Serena] "Mommy... Old Yeller didn't die, did he?"

 

>"What did you do to me?" She nearly shouted.

Joel: He activated your opening theme sequence! Pay attention!

 

>"I evaluated your character. It is as I thought. You are strong of  
>will, but weak in body. 

Crow: [Spekkio] "So today, absolutely free... all the squid-on-a-stick  
you can eat!"  
Tom: [Serena] "Woohoo!"  
Mike: [Spekkio] "You are also strong of breath. Here, take this."  
Joel: [Serena] "What kind of power will this give me?"  
Mike: [Spekkio] "The sacred power of Retsyn."

 

>Walk around the room three times, counter-clockwise."

All [singing]: Then do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around...  
that's what it's all a-bout!

 

>Serena walked around the room three times, but she found that she  
>went around the wrong way.  
>"Oh, heck. I went backwards, didn't I?" Serena said, turning slightly  
>red in the cheecks.

Joel: Serena, you'd better be sure to get some more band-aids and  
Bactine if you're going to tease the funny little panda.  
Mike: Now would that be her traveler's cheecks or her Cheecks Marin?

 

>Spekkio, obviously chagrined, frowned and said to himself, "She's not  
>very bright, is she?" 

Tom: Must've missed that in that comprehensive "character" search.  
Crow: Heck, she's getting magic... while people in the States have to  
have a five-day background search for their 'magic' cylinders!

 

>Then, to Serena, he said, "When you go around the room three times,  
>the right way, you will have the magic of the moon."

Mike: [Spekkio] "Then you must take this pebble from my paw,  
Grasshopper."  
Crow: [Serena] "And just what would this magic entail?"  
Mike: [Spekkio] "Well, I give you a scepter, and you can shoot little  
sparklies out of it!"  
Crow: [Serena] "..."

 

>"Of course I do," Serena said. "I've had it for quite some time."  
>Trying to talk as she walked, she tripped. "D'oh! Waaahh!"

All: (singing) "D'oh, waaah deer, waaah female deer..."  
Tom: (singing) "Rei, a slap of golden sun!"  
Joel: Especially if she could see *this* in action.

 

>"If you don't learn to stand up for yourself, you'll never get  
>anywhere."  
>Serena got back up and completed her three laps.

Crow: [Serena] "Now, did I have a better time than FloJo?"  
Joel: [Spekkio] "No, but you have nicer fingernails."

 

>"Right direction this time. Good! You have learned Lunar Boost,  
>which will increase your strength during battle. 

Tom: Next comes the +4 Lance of Moonbeams.

 

>This is the first spell you will learn. If you practice, eventually,  
>you will master the moon's magic."

Crow: [Spekkio] "You'll be able to turn average people into  
slathering beasts, make all sorts of things into green cheese, and  
hang in the air glowing and round!"

 

>Serena walked up to Spekkio, and hugged him. "Thanks!"  
>"You are welcome. Now... Begone!"

Tom: Hey! Spekkio's a faith healer!  
Crow: Bad spirits of this fanfic, begone! Taint not our reading  
with your spitefulness!  
Mike: Sorry Crow, but I think this is way past a faith healing.  
Crow: Had to take that chance, Mike.

 

>\----

Joel: Aww man, not another line!  
Mike: Anyone got anything here?  
Crow: Running out!  
Tom: (singing) "This little line of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..."  
Joel: Nice save, Tommy!

 

>Serena sat up in bed, sweating.  
>"What a weird dream..." Serena said to herself.

Crow: [Serena] "First, I was riding in a beautiful submarine colored  
yellow... and next thing I know, I was in a garden... with an  
octopus!"  
Joel: No more squid-on-a-stick just before bedtime for YOU, young lady!

 

>"Dream?" Spekkio's voice echoed in her mind. "Your time will come soon  
>enough... Just don't forget, okay?"

Tom: [Spekkio] "And buy war bonds! Our men and women are counting on you-oo-oo-oo..."

 

>"Umm... Okay." Serena pulled the covers over herself and went back to  
>sleep.

Mike: [Serena] "Sandman, take me away!"  
Joel: Talking, laughing, snoring, giggling, kicking, screaming,  
gasping, rasping... it's all in a night's sleep for Serena!

 

>\--------

Tom: Boys in the gym and girls in the cafeteria, it's film time!  
Crow: (scratchy voice) "When a line loves another line, they... uhh,  
they get together and uhh..."

 

>After the fire reading, Koban was visibly shaken. 

Tom: He's the shakiest sword in the West!  
Mike: (imitates whip cracking)

 

>Frog decided to talk to him and maybe have a mock-battle to test  
>their relative strength.

Joel: But mock-battles should be left to mock turtles, not mock  
frogs.  
Tom: [Frog] "Thumb wrestling, best three out of five!"

 

>He sat down next to Koban. "I wish to know of thy skill, Koban,"  
>He began. "What be thy weapon?"

Crow [Koban]: "Atomic hairballs!"

 

>Koban's eyes, one green, one blue, seemed to light up with a mystic  
>fire. "I am the sworn protector of the twin ninja swords of Masamune  
>and Murasame."

Tom: Which he stole from Edge from Final Fantasy II.  
Joel: Teach us the fine art of pickpocketing, O great ninja kat!  
Crow: Please, they prefer to call it 'creative treasure hunting'.

 

>"What on Earth? Thou haveth the Masamune as well?"  
>Frog unsheathed his sword, followed by Koban.

Mike: [Frog] "I already unsheathed my sword, Koban. No need to  
unsheathe it again."  
Tom: Ahh, Koban bought his Masamune from a street vendor in New York.  
Crow: Ironically, that Masamune was sitting next to a dozen Rolexes.

 

>"Aha! My Masamune is quite a bit thinner," Koban stated, "and black as  
>well."

Joel: Now now, Koban... it's African-American.  
Tom: [Koban] "My Masamune went on the Slim-Fast diet! Yours should  
too, Frog..."  
Mike: [Frog] "My Masamune isn't fat! It's big-boned!"

 

>"Aye, though they be the same in name, they are quite different. Thou  
>possesseth a katana, and I posses a broad sword!"

Crow: Man, it's always trouble when men compare their swords...  
Tom: This is made even worse by the fact that it's a cat and a frog.  
Joel: Hmm... for that matter, did the Red Dragons care enough to neuter  
Koban?

 

>"Mine has the red dragon inscribed on the blade, going down to the  
>hilt."  
>"Mine is much plainer, yet it houses two mystic beings."

Mike: [Koban] "Mine came from the Moon, in Golbez's chamber!"  
Crow: [Frog] "Oh yeah? Mine has the great taste of bacon!"  
Mike: [Koban] "So? If you boil mine, it tenderizes rather well!"

 

>"Mine was carved from the tooth of the Red Dragon."

Crow: [Frog] "But mine has great taste and less filling!"  
Mike: [Koban] "Big whoop. This sword can double as a cell phone and  
receive mp3s!"  
Joel: But can Koban really handle the tooth?

 

>Magus walked into the room, looking for the kitchen.

Crow: [Magus] "Is this it? How about this? This?"  
Tom: The heck? Are they all staying in Shutaro Mendou's place?

 

>"Comparing your might, eh?" He said in is his usual, blas_ tone.

Joel: Blahs? Magus is down in the dumps?  
Tom: Sounded more like a Toronto accent to me.

 

>"Beware, Magus," Frog said to him, "there be two Masamunes now!"  
>"Rubbish!" Magus said, with the tiniest hint of fear in his eyes.

Mike: Or was that an eye booger?  
Tom: [Magus] "No, seriously! I'm deathly afraid of trash!"

 

>Frog stood up and walked next to Magus, then pointed the Masamune  
>at him.

Joel: Tsk tsk, Frog. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's impolite  
to point?  
Tom: It's all fun and games until someone gets their eye poked out.

 

>Magus shivered, then said, "Get that thing away, toad, or I'll turn  
>you into a rabite."

Joel: [Frog] "In that case, how about I keep it here until you turn  
me BACK into a human?"  
Crow: Rabite?  
Tom: Rabide, maybe? A hydrophobic toad? That's different *and*  
unique!

 

>"Try yours, Koban," Frog said, withdrawing back to where he was  
>sitting.  
>"Damn..."

Mike [Koban]: "You took my favorite sleeping chair, man! C'mon,  
gimme it back!"

 

>Koban stood up and did the same as Frog. Magus smiled slightly.  
>"It feels warm, almost comforting."

Crow: Thus started the scabbard warmer craze of 1999.  
Tom: [Magus] "I feel I could tell you all my secrets..."  
Mike: When did this become a rerun of Dr. Katz?  
Joel: Aww man, that was a bad pun.  
Mike: Completely unintentional.

 

>Koban pulled a rag out of his pocket, and polished his Masamune,  
>admiring the way his face was reflected in the ebon surface of the  
>blade. 

Tom: He took extra care to polish the REDRUM carving on the hilt  
as well.  
Crow: Not since "House of Ikari" has a sword been SO obsessed over.

 

>Koban then placed it at eye level, resting the blade in his  
>palm, and stared down its length. He then ran his fingers along the  
>flat of the blade, feeling the dragon's image etched on it. 

Joel: I call foul, he has paws.  
Crow: I also call foul, he should be pulling away bloody stumps the  
way he's been talking up this sword.  
Mike: I'm still waiting for Edge to show up and take it away from  
him.

 

>After this, he reached into his pocket and produced a small, black  
>stone.

Tom: His own personal piece of Zoicite?  
Joel: It's a twenty-sided die. He has to make a saving throw or fall  
asleep due to boredom.  
Crow: [Koban] "This is my piece of the Rock... you can get one too,  
just call Prudential!"

 

>"What is that for?" Magus inquired.  
>"*togu ni ishi-* A sharpening stone," Koban said, proceeding to  
>strike the stone against the edge of his Masamune's blade. 

Crow: That Masamune could also make a good cigarette lighter, by  
the looks of it.  
All: Watch out for that...  
Tom: [Koban] "AAOOOAOOOOHHHHHHCH!"  
All: EDGE!

 

>After looking at the blade again, Koban polished the spot that he  
>sharpened with the rag, and held the blade in front of him, flexing  
>it slightly.

Tom [Koban]: "Hey... this blade's been taking steroids! Look how much  
it's bulked up!"

 

>"This be one fine mystery," Frog commented.

Joel: I know! Let's cross this over with Nancy Drew next!

 

>"Indeed," Magus replied.  
>"It's weird all right," Koban added.  
>"A light Masamune," Frog continued, "and a dark Masamune. Or so it  
>seems."

Crow: Remind me again, what happened to the *fight* that Koban and  
Frog were supposed to test their strength with?  
Mike: They'd rather vaguely threaten Magus and compare their tools.

 

>"I never specifically said mine was a dark one. But, as they say, 'the  
>proof is in the pudding.'"

Joel: I just KNEW Bill Cosby was somehow involved with this.  
Tom: Besides, it was carved from a dragon's tooth, not a unicorn's  
horn.  
Crow: And here I thought he sent in three proof-of-purchases and  
shipping and handling to Kellogg's to get it.

 

>"Well, if Magus takes a liking to it, it must be enchanted with some  
>type of dark magic."  
>"A Ninja does not dabble in dark magic. The Ninja should not succumb  
>to evil influences."

Mike: Well, as they say Koban, "The proof is in the pudding."  
Joel: [Koban] "Just because we wear black, try to attack our enemies  
in the darkness of night, and kill for other's benefit, doesn't mean  
we're evil!"

 

>"Lemme see those things," Magus said, snatching both Masamunes. He  
>shivered from Frog's Masamune, yet Koban's Masamune seemed to  
>counter the effect of the other one.

Tom: Never thought I'd say this, guys, but when's the next scene  
break?  
Mike: Man, Escaflowne wasn't even this talky!  
Tom: And, I might add, had better swordplay.

 

>Koban drew the other blade from its scabbard, and examined it. It  
>looked identical in nearly every way.

Crow: But this one came from Post instead of Kellogg's.  
Tom: Proving once again that female swords birth litters instead of  
one by one.

 

>"The Murasame seems to be sleeping..." he muttered.

Joel: Just like so many other things in this fic. Sailor Senshi,  
Lavos, swords, random Chrono Trigger characters...  
Tom: Definitely, "sleep" is the pervading theme of this fic.

 

>"Hmm..." Magus thought out loud, "Suppose if we melted the blades of  
>these two blades, and reforged them together?"

Crow: He's looking for the kitchen to grab a Bud Light! Now it all  
makes sense!  
Mike: [Magus] "Let's do both." *clunk*

 

>Koban advanced on Magus, brandishing the Murasame in his hand.  
>"No way buddy! I have taken a solemn vow to let no harm come to the  
>Masamune, or to this blade!"

Tom: [Koban] "I'd gladly sacrifice Billy to keep this blade safe!"  
Crow: [Billy] "HEY!"  
Tom: [Koban] "Well, it was just an example... get 'im, Billy!"  
Crow: [Billy] "Quit it, Koban!"

 

>"That would either make a *very* powerful sword," Frog mused, "or it  
>would totally ruin the balance of nature."

Tom: Oh, so this fic was a cautionary tale given to us by the EPA?  
Joel: You never know when you might want to reforge your dragon's-tooth  
sword, so do it safely!

 

>"'Twas only an idea," Magus said."  
>"Matter and antimatter..." Koban said, with a look of dread in his  
>eyes.

Joel: [Koban] "They're playing tonight at The Time Gate! We'll never  
get any sleep tonight!"

 

>"WHAT?" Frog and Magus said at the same time.

Tom: [Frog] "SPEAK INTO THE BELLTONE, SONNY... MY EARS ARE  
OVER FOURTEEN HUNDRED YEARS OLD!"

 

>"In theory every particle of matter has its opposite. The scientific  
>name for the opposite is 'antimatter.' Theoretically, if matter and  
>antimatter ever meet, they will annihilate each other in a huge  
>explosion."

Mike: Not hardly, Dirac-tionally challenged. Antimatter and matter  
cancel each other out by releasing energy and light photons, or  
even additional matter/antimatter particles, not "huge explosions".  
Tom: And seeing as how there has been 'matter' all around the sword  
ever since it was forged, it's physically impossible for it to be  
antimatter!!  
Joel: [announcer] "It's a grudge match! Who will come out on top, and  
who will be relegated to the scrap heap of history?!"

 

>Magus grinned, while Frog grimaced.  
>"Mayhap thou wouldst like to have a mock battle in the training room,"  
>Frog said, looking at Koban's Masamune.

Crow: To go through all this talking *again*? Are you nuts?

 

>"Where was I?" Magus asked himself. "Ah, yes..." Magus walked into  
>the kitchen.

Tom: (Magus, singing) "Mama's little baby like short-nin', short-nin',  
mama's little baby like short-nin' cream!"

 

>"That should be very interesting," Koban said.

Mike: [Koban] "What'll happen when he finds out we have no shortening?"  
Crow: [Magus] "AAAHHHH!! Where is it?!"

 

>\----

Tom: Bittersweet feeling, guys.  
Joel: We've seen what, almost twenty of these?  
Tom: But never have I been happier about seeing one.

 

>After the battle, Frog put a damp towel on his head and sat down on  
>a mat.

Mike: [Frog] "Just because I won doesn't mean Koban had to throw me  
out of the house onto the doorstep!"  
Tom: Well, the rest of his BattleToad companions have been waiting  
the whole fanfic to get him back.

 

>"That was quite a battle," Koban said, watching Frog dip the towel in  
>a bucket of water, and place it on his head again.

Joel: In that battle that WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE!!!

 

>"Yes," Said Frog. "We did not hit each other once, and we were not  
>trying not to hit each other."

Joel: [Koban] "Then why the heck do I have a scratch up my thigh and  
a poke in the butt?"  
Crow: [Frog] "Oh, heh heh... must've forgot to tell you that rule."

 

>\----

Tom: (loudspeaker) "ATTENTION ALL PERSONNAL... INCOMING WOUNDED!"  
Mike: Dash, Tom, not M*A*S*H.  
Tom: Make 'em STOP, Mike! Please!!

 

>That night, before Magus went to sleep, he reached into his pack and  
>pulled out a calendar. He waved his hand over it, and another day was  
>crossed out.

Crow: [Magus] "Hmm... I think I'll cross off the fifteen of October.  
And tomorrow, I'll cross Valentine's Day!"  
Tom: For someone who up until a month back was travelling in a *time  
machine*, why does he have a calendar?

 

>He flipped the leaves over, counting the number of unmarked squares  
>left before the one labeled "Revenge."

Mike: [Magus] "I shall have my vengeance, Labor Day! MARK MY WORDS!"

 

>====

Crow: Bricks and stones may break my bones... but these darned line  
breaks are KILLING ME!  
Joel: C'mon man, don't conk out this close to the end!

 

>I hope you enjoyed reading Sailor Trigger, part 2: the Time of Dread  
>as much as we enjoyed writing it. Thank you, and good night.

Tom: See? Sleeping is this author's leifmotif.  
Joel: Last one out turn on the ghostlight!

 

>Greetz go out to Alanis_Hunter_K, CapnAhab, Claud, CyberSled, >Edge64,

Mike: 'Cause EdgeDreamcast was just a bit too clunky.  
Crow: Hey Edge! Koban stole your swords, man! Go get 'im!

 

>EvelSizor, Evolver, FuzzBuster, Garjon, Genji, GrImp, JohnRisser,  
>King_Giott, ]{ipi, KnightShade, Lukka, 

Tom: Would that be Filthy Lukka?

 

>Magus9X, Mecha, MentalMan, Ranko, Ranma`Saotome, Ryoga, 

Crow: From the law firm of Saotome, Saotome, and Hibiki.

 

>Sheex, SirGolbez, SOM2Freak, SouL-CrusheR, Suky, WhiteMage.  
>PS. Never fear, Sailor Koban the Ninja Kat is here!

Joel: From what navy?  
Mike: Austrian?

 

>Warning: If you don't pay attention, you're head will explode like  
>that one guy in "Fist of the North Star" and about 7 other guys in the  
>same film.

Tom: Sorta like the "Headlines" bit on the Daily Show, right?

 

>"You must think my head zips up the back!"

Crow: Funny, I would've guessed Velcro.

 

>Is this Hematite guy a general, or just a fancy name for a bloodstone?

Joel: Sauvignon Claret Hematite, from the vinyards of Ernest and Julio  
Bloodstone.  
Tom: I hear the '89 vintage is especially bloody.

 

>It's just that I keep having this dream in which someone calls me  
>that...

Mike: That Darn Kat!  
Tom: Aww man, was it my imagination or did those theater doors finally  
open?  
Joel: Your prayers have been answered, my robot!  
Mike: Before we go though, there's a review to give! Firstly, what is  
the reason for adding this many characters? Yes, they're all fun to  
work with, but the 'fic can only focus on one at a time anyway. You  
could've had maybe just Serena drop in, or maybe one or two of the  
Chrono Trigger characters as an advance scout party.  
Joel: Also, you might want to try to give depth to the Red Dragon  
characters. While reading about them, it sometimes felt that they were  
rather one-dimensional. Why are they helping these people? What is  
their goal as a group?  
Crow: When will WE get our RAM chips?  
Tom: All this and many more questions, should the author decide to  
finish this off!

 

\---Satellite of Love

Two humans approached the desk, followed by two robots. All four of  
them shared a look, and then started whooping and hollering for joy.  
Mike and Crow shared a high-five while Joel was hugging Tom.

"We did it, guys, we survived this turkey with no casualties!" Mike  
exulted.

Tom wheeled over to Cambot to load some information into his memory  
banks. "Hey guys, feel like a song for celebration?"

"Yeah Tommy, go for it!" Joel responded.

"Okay, here goes," Tom said. "And for those people who don't have  
the benefit of a Cambot at home, you can find the music yourself at  
! Hit it, Cambot!"

[Sung to the tune of "Cat's In the Cradle", by Harry Chapin.  
The opening chords sounded through the satellite...]

Tom: A fic arrived from Deep Thirteen's files,  
a funky little fic in its writing styles.  
There were SIs galore and Senshi for miles...  
ent'ring the fic in many piles.

Mike: And when they got up and looked around the town some,  
they found that the Ren Fest had come, man,  
they found that the Ren Fest come...

All: And the cat's at the keyboard an' writin' again...  
Crossovers that will make your poor head spin.  
When ya' comin' in plot, I don't know when,  
We'd love to read ya' then,  
we'll be glad to read you then.

Joel: Before we know it Crono's gang arrives,  
but not after their spaceship took a dive.  
Then the action shifts back to the tailor shop,  
where the Senshi get clothes for a few yen a pop.

Crow: And they all started fighting but before too long,  
the Ninja Kat said "It's wrong", man,  
the Ninja Kat said "It's wrong".

All: And the cat's at the keyboard an' writin' again...  
Crossovers that will make your poor head spin.  
When ya' comin' in plot, I don't know when,  
We'd love to read ya' then,  
we'll be glad to read you then.

[Crow: Drum solo!!  
Tom: Wrong song, idiot!]

Mike: The groups got together over knockout tea,  
which was the Ninja Kat's special recipe.  
They gossiped a while and mingled about  
as all twenty actors felt each other out.

Tom: And after all the histories were told and retold,  
Sailor Moon 'n Ayla were out cold,

All: And the cat's at the keyboard an' writin' again...  
Crossovers that will make your poor head spin.  
When ya' comin' in plot, I don't know when,  
we'd love to read ya' then, man,  
we'll be glad to read you then.

[Mike: Well, we were out cold too...  
Tom: Shh!  
Crow: Drum solo?  
Tom: Quit it!]

Joel: They all fought a robot for an hour or two,  
there was nothing better to do.  
Serena got a boomerang and started to play,  
Killing dozens of Roly-Polys a day.

Tom: Y'see the Ninja Kat be a magic eight-ball,  
an' Spekkio in his magic hall...  
Spekkio in his magic hall...

[Crow: Lemme take the end, Tom!  
Tom: Well...  
Crow: C'mon!  
Tom: Okay.]

Crow: And as we ended the fic we ponder'd a while,  
and thought "This fic's a pile",  
"Man, this fic's a pile"...

[Joel: CROW!  
Crow: Well...  
Tom: Every-body! Sing along!]

All: And the cat's at the keyboard an' writin' again...  
Crossovers that will make your poor head spin.  
When ya' comin' in plot, I don't know when,  
we'd love to read ya' then, man,  
we'll be glad to read you then.

As the last few chords died down, Joel noticed the flashing  
red button on the desk. "What'd you think, sirs?"

\---Deep Thirteen

"C'mon, Frank, we can't have this keyboard damaged! I'm not looking  
forward to stealing another one from the Gizmonic supply closet!" Dr. F  
stated to his subordinate.

Frank sighed, and replied, "Look at what it does now, Dr. F. I can't  
even get it to type proper words! After half-an-hour of banging at it,  
all I've got is this!"

Dr. F peered at the screen. It read, "ki-boar fubar ki nu 1.  
'-';; m67".

"What the heck is this?" the green-clad one inquired to his  
assistant.

"I haven't the slightest, sir. All I can guess is that this is  
what happens when you spill Coke on the keys!"

"In that case... hey!" Dr. F finally noticed the open video and audio  
link to the SOL, and heard more than a little chuckling. "Okay, you  
funk soul bruthas, don't think you'll get off so easy the next time!"  
With eyes flashing, he turned on Frank. "Push the BUTTON, Frank."

"I already told you, it won't work!" Frank protested.

Dr. Forrester gave his best evil grimace and said, "In that case, YOU  
can be my next invention exchange, Frank. I'm sure the SOL will enjoy  
seeing the first HUMAN keyboard, and believe me when I say I'll have  
fun while punching you trying to find the right key!"

"Eep!" Frank replied. He plugged the keyboard back into the tower,  
and immediately threw it to the ground.

CRASH!!

\--POOF!--

"Phew, it worked..."

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na..."

Hello again, folks. MSTing number five in the can... and believe it  
or not, it really wasn't too painful! It came at a time when I really  
need to finish up some of my projects, 'cause I have a little baby  
(forever known to the 'Net as "the Zoogzling") on the way come  
February. Wow, how life can change quickly...

Any comments about this MST are taken gratefully at .

I'd like to offer a special thanks to Megane 6.7, and a quick  
late "happy birthday", for his help through this project. He always  
has a knack for putting in good riffs in spots where they are needed,  
and his words of encouragement are always greatly appreciated.

Thanks also to my other prereader, Jack Acid... he enthusiastically  
gave me even more riffs to add into the mix. I must admit, I'm glad  
to know these two comedy writers.

Still forthcoming, there are three group MSTs that NEED to be  
finished up, and they will be taken in this order:  
"House of Ikari" , Dot Every T  
"Nene's Babysitter" , Knight/Zoogz (with others)  
collaboration  
"Battle Royale" , the ACen live-action MSTing  
Watch for all of these, coming soon (hopefully before the college  
semester) to A MSTing For All Seasons, MST archives, and mailing lists  
near you!

This and many other works are all archived at:  
, A MSTing For All Seasons! Megane 6.7 and  
I are happy to introduce an old friend, but a new webpage collaborator:  
Jack Acid! Watch the site for updates, since he will be publishing a  
lot in the near future.

And for those curious about my change of title to "Mystery Science  
Cinema", it turns out that Jack Acid himself already wrote some under  
the Mystery Science Theater 3001 moniker, so I decided to change mine  
in order to avoid confusion. Hope it works...

Recently, Megane 6.7 and I collaborated on both a new MSTing that he  
wrote called "12 Months and a Year", as well as a new Let's Play coming soon  
featuring humorous commentary on the game "Les Manley: Search for the King".

All this and more can be accessed at the recent projects page at  
'A MSTing for All Seasons', which is at

http://www.nabiki.com/mst/recent

Our Let's Plays and a few other videos can be acccessed at

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

 

Special Thanks To:  
Teachers of America (and the world!)  
The Authors of the 1st Amendment  
And all fans of MST, you guys are the special ones!

 

>The 17 fighters threw everything they had at the robot, but to no  
>avail.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...


End file.
